UptownGirl77

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

I feel a little better now. After I finished my post last night, I called C (my best friend, back home). I hadn't talked to her since Christmas, but we do that: We don't talk for months, but when we do talk it's like no time has passed. Anyway, we've been playing phone tag for months, she works weird shifts at the police station, so we just never managed to connect. I called her, just because I needed to hear a friendly voice. One who knows me, and lets me be me. She knows my family, and knows what I've been going through. She was there when Dad was taking pills and I had to have him hospitalized. She was there to take me to the airport and hugged me when I cried because I was scared to leave.

So, yeah, I called her. We didn't talk for long, because The Boy came home on time for a change, but it was nice to talk to her. I feel really old now though because, even though she's a year older than I am, she's still living the single life, going out to bars with her boyfriend of five months, getting tattoos and living it up. I was talking about the cats, and she smiled and said, "You're so married with kids!" We both laughed, but it kinda hurt a little. I feel like I'm losing myself a little. I was never a bar hopper, by any stretch of the imagination, but... I don't know. It's not that I don't love my life. I do. I just feel like I could be missing out.

Contributing to my present state of mind is The Boy. He can be so callous. He doesn't know how to console me when I'm hurting. I try to tell him, but he just wants to pretend everything's fine. "Why should we talk about your mother? It will just upset you." "Well, maybe it would be good for me to get everything off my chest." "Well, I just got home and don't want your mother to ruin our night." Hmph.

Last night, I jokingly said, "What would you do without me?" He said, "The question is what would you do without me? You'd be on guy #36 by now." He takes any chance he can to make me feel small. This morning, I leaned over to kiss him before we got up, and he called me "fart mouth." Yes, it's funny, but not a good way to start the day. I apologize for being in a foul mood, and he won't apologize for calling me "bitch face." Instead, he says, "Thanks for ruining our morning. Again."

I wish he could see how much like his father he is. He thinks he doesn't have to censor himself, that he can just say exactly what's on his mind, without taking consideration for my feelings. He's right, to a point, but when he says things that are just unnecessarily cruel, he thinks it's justified. He thinks he has a right to say anything he wants. When I say, "You can't talk to me that way." He says, "I can talk to you whatever way I want. What, have we been together for five minutes or something? I have to be all nice, because we're still dating?" I tell him that there are boundaries, and he doesn't understand.

And I haven't heard from RM about my start date yet. I need something nice to happen.

Thanks for the post, Sar. It made me smile. I may take you up on that chat one day.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]



<< Home