I had an epiphany earlier today. I know I've bitched a lot about my "mother" lately. A little more won't hurt.

I was thinking about getting married (I know, "Again???"), and contemplating whether or not I want children at the reception. (The answer is, of course, yes. I can't imagine a special day like that without kids.) Anyway, I remembered when I was little, my mom would say stuff like, "Well, you're not coming. I need a break from you kids." What struck me, just today, all these years later, is this: "A break from us kids????" Even when she was home, we were almost not allowed to talk to her. She would never spend time with us or do anything with us. If we said we were bored, or asked her to play games with us, she would make us go to our rooms to play, or go outside. After a while, we stopped asking. My dad, on the other hand, would do things with us anytime we asked. Cards, boardgames, watching a movie... He was the real parent.

He jumped into parenthood, head first, and hasn't come up for air since. Nor has he wanted to. I've never once doubted his love for me. Sure, we fought, like all father/daughter teams, but I always knew that CJ and I were the top priorities in his life. My mother, on the other hand, once told me that she wished I'd never been born. She denied saying it when I brought it up later. And never, ever, apologized. She would go shopping and come home with bags full of goodies for herself, and nothing for CJ or me. Or Dad, for that matter, even though he was left to pay the bills after she spent all her money on herself.

Yet, through all this, I felt closer to my mother. We were the team. We'd been together since the beginning. We were the girls. I kept getting beaten (emotionally, of course), but I would always come back for more, hoping that the next time would be different, and she would want to spend time with me. Now the shoe is on the other foot, but she's not trying. She left ONE voicemail for me, months ago, and I tried calling her cell a few times, but it was always off. I'll be damned if I'm going to call her at "his" place. Fuck that. So she goes around telling half the world that our relationship is still great, and that I'm totally standing by her, and telling the other half that I won't have anything to do with her. Making herself the hero/victim, whichever suits the situation best. If she called right now, I wouldn't hang up on her. That's not my style. I might scream, I would definitely cry, but I would not hang up. But she doesn't know that, because she gave up.

I told CE that it feels like she's enjoying her newfound freedom... that she's finally living the life she always wanted: One free of children. I hope she's enjoying it enough for the four of us, because the rest of us are going through hell.