UptownGirl77

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Okay, so obviously, lately, I have two obsessions: My mother, and getting married. It's pretty amazing how huge an effect she's had on me. I don't mean in a "my mother made me who I am and I'm so glad" kind of way. I mean in a "damn her to hell for these emotional issues I struggle with every damn day of my life" kind of way. Don't worry, I'm well aware of the abandonment stuff, how it relates to wanting to get married so I'll never be alone, blah blah blah. I'm aware.

Yes, I'm doing more than my fair share of navel-gazing lately. I've never been one for self-pity (nor have I been allowed a chance to dabble in it, even if I'd wanted to); however, there's a fine line between dealing with emotions in a healthy way, over-indulgence in self-pity, and just pushing the hurt down deep, deep, deep, and just a little deeper inside, until every time my mother even crosses my mind, I start crying. Granted, I'm PMS-ing. Granted, I was raised to just take whatever shit I was given, and deal with it. Or, as they say, "When life gives you lemons, eat your fucking lemons." I will never EVER tell someone, "Don't cry. It could be worse," when they're upset. I'll let them cry as long as they want to, and I'll hold them as long as they want me to. I'll never make them feel like they're being a burden for expressing how they feel. And I'll spend my life making my children (God willing) understand that they are the most important people in my world.

I don't know if I become more aware of the hurt every day, or if I let it grow every day. It's so hard to make a realistic picture of her in my head. I keep seeing butterflies and slow-motion montages in which she takes me in her arms and I feel like I'm the world to her, just as she was mine. Was. WAS. I'm not the only woman who's been hurt by her mother. I know that. It just sucks that I'm becoming aware of the issues all at once. I would love to forget about all this for a while. I wish it had stayed buried for another 26 years.

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