So I'm in the process of moving to another blog. Check it out if you like.

Wow, two months, eh? Yikes. I don't know where to start. I'll give you a teaser, and I'll write more later, I promise.

- I started Atkins.
- B&DG are back in town.
- I found a wedding dress that I love love love.
- C and mom are talking again (sorta).
- Mom S. has polyps in her bowels.
- Got an awesome package from Nannie E.
- I'm making Christmas cards this year.
- The Boy got a new video camera.

Okay, that's all I can think of for now. Back later! :D

So yeah, I deleted some pictures and comments and stuff. I get paranoid when I think of the stuff people could find in here if they knew who I was. Makes me kinda feel like I have to censor myself, which defeats the purpose of having a blog.

Thanks to the girlies who commented. Nice to hear from all of you, and it's very nice to know that you're all still here, and that there are some newbies too. Please keep commenting. Makes me more likely to write.

I can't remember if I mentioned this last time, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but I called my mom at the end of August and kinda said that I didn't want to be mad at her anymore... that I wanted my mom back, etc. Of course, we cried a lot, and I pretended that I could put everything behind me, and leave everything in the past. I didn't know I was pretending at the time. I thought I could really do that. Now, weeks later, I know it wasn't realistic. I've talked to her twice since then. Both times, I've found myself rolling my eyes every two seconds, when she mentions how sad she is or how Granddad won't talk to her, or how blah blah blah. I do feel bad for her, because I know she's got a lot on her shoulders right now, but I also know that she's got no one to blame but herself. If she'd just left my dad, no one would be as angry as they are. She decided to lie, and that's what's pissed everyone off.

So yeah, Granddad's brother passed away. I feel really bad for him. There aren't many of them left. I don't think I ever met him (Arnold), but I feel bad for Granddad. Anyway, he (the brother) lived in Woodstock, which is about 45 minutes from us so, since Granddad and S came from PEI to go to the funeral, we went to Woodstock to go to the viewing and to see Granddad. He kicks so much arse. As we were arriving at the funeral home, he and G were coming out for a cigarette. As I was walking toward him, he threw his freshly lit cigarette on the ground, and said, "There's my sweetie..." and gave me the biggest hug ever. It's so funny... before my mom and I came into the family, he never hugged or kissed or said, "I love you." Now, he's so affectionate. Told me how great I looked, how proud of me he was... And it wasn't just the emotion of the circumstance either. Point being, I love my granddad. It was so awesome to see him, and so hard to say goodbye.

I want to get my teeth bonded and whitened. When I had my tooth fixed the other day, the dentist also mentioned that I could have those two things done relatively cheaply. Especially with a wedding coming up. I would love to have perfect teeth. My teeth aren't bad by any means. I've never had a cavity. I had a retainer when I was a kid, so they're really straight... there are just lots of gaps between them, and they're yellow-ish. No, not from smoking. It's just how I was built. :) They say you shouldn't wear anything whiter than your teeth, and I don't want to wear a yellow wedding dress, so whitening the chiclets is probably a good idea. :)

About the wedding, we still haven't set a date. He mentioned something about 2006, which I didn't like; however, 2004 is almost over, so I guess it's not so bad. I just SO had my heart set on August 27, 2005. Had such a ring to it. Not nearly as nice as August 26, 2006. It'll have to grow on me. I really want to have it in late August though. I know I've probably said it before, but I want to have it in summer so that people visiting the Island for the first time (i.e. The Boy's family) will be able to do all the touristy things, which are only open in the summer. Also, the weather on the Island is such that it's only summer for like 45 minutes a year, so you have to be careful when planning anything. :) That's why I won't even consider an outdoor wedding. Not a chance. There are so many variables and opportunities for things to go wrong. I don't need to add weather to the list.

Well, I'm getting tired. I think that's it for now. Tomorrow's Friday! Woohoo! Write more to me girlies. Let me know you're still out there. :)

xo

Okay, I really have to get back into the habit of blogging on a regular basis. My sanity is suffering because of my negligence. And the sad thing is that I have nothing resembling an excuse.

Since I wrote last, I chipped a tooth, my great-uncle died, I saw my granddad, talked to my mom, and came to some realizations. Oh, and I've been reading the Harry Potter books. I can't put them down.

More in a bit.

So let's see if I can remember how to do this. It's been a long time.

Sar, you're pretty much the only person who reads this now so, if you're still out there, thanks for not giving up on me. Sorry I disappeared.

Truthfully, I didn't disappear. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't do anything. I can't even remember what my last post was.

Okay, I re-read my last post. B is here now, but I haven't seen her yet. She's stood me up twice, and I accidentally stood her up today. We suck.

Things with The Boy have been pretty good actually. I love him lots, miss him lots when he's not here, and we've been getting along really well.

I found a new web site that I've been addicted to. I guess it's taken the place of Blogger! :) It's www.ultimatewedding.com. You just go there to get ideas and talk about weddings. Lots of people there aren't even engaged, and many others were married years ago! Basically, it's for people who love weddings. Sar, you should check it out, and join the message board! Then you can REALLY see what I've been up to. :)

The Boy actually took me to a bridal show yesterday! I was very impressed that it was actually his idea! We saw lots of nice things, and got lots of free magazines and a planner, stuff like that, but I was so disappointed when I went to try on dresses. I knew that dresses had weird sizing, but it was ridiculous. I normally wear size 14 or 16. Well, I tried on an 18, thinking it would be huge, but I couldn't even get it zipped up! I could barely pull it up around my hips!!! Why wouldn't they do it the other way around? Then, instead of wearing an 18 or 20 dress, I would wear a 10! Wouldn't that be nice?

Speaking of sizes, I weighed myself at The Boy's mom's yesterday. I've lost 8 pounds. Yay me. We don't have a wedding date set yet, but my goal is to fit into a 12. That means I've got to lose about 50 lbs in a year and a half.

We talked about 2006. He just doesn't get it. He thinks we have to have all this money saved before we can do anything. We can't set a date because we have no money. You know what? If that were the case, we'll never get married. You have to set a date, and make it work. He just doesn't get it.

I can show you some pics that I've uploaded to the UW site. Here's the pic of The Boy and me that I used for my avatar.

PIC HERE

Here's the monogram that I made for our Save-the-Date cards (obviously without a date!).

MONOGRAM HERE

Here's the hairdo I want:



Here's the pic taken immediately after he proposed on the balloon, which I made into my signature on UW:

BALLOON PIC HERE

So now you know our names, and you've seen our pictures. So now I'm gonna have to kill ya. :)

Okay, okay. A girl can only take so much harrassment! Thanks for the encouragement, Anna and Sarbare. Sorry I haven't written in so long. I guess I've just been lazy.

We went to A&G's trailer on Saturday. It's a three-hour drive, and we kinda had a bit of a fight. We passed a car on the highway and the driver was holding up a sign that said, "Show us your tits." I was absolutely stunned! Anyway, I told The Boy and he was like, "Why didn't you? That would have been fun. Oh yeah. I forgot. You're not fun. You're vanilla." So, needless to say, I took pretty serious offense to that. What's wrong with not wanting to flash people on the highway? I hardly think I'm in the minority there.

Point being, this brought on a pretty big conversation about our sex life, or lack thereof. We were pretty brutally honest, even questioning whether or not we should stay together. Before we're really resolved anything we arrived at their cottage and had to make nice. We got a campsite, set up the tent, blew up the air mattress and got the bed all made up, and then headed for A&G's trailer.

The four of us sat outside by a small fire, chatting, looking at the stars (you don't realize how much you miss them until you can see them again and realize what you've been missing). Then, G went into the trailer and brought out a big bag of chips. No sooner had A put his hand into the bag than we heard rustling in the bushes behind us. We all jumped up, and there was a raccoon!! Just a tiny guy, but still. I'm so nervous around wild animals, I was freaking out. They started throwing chips at him, saying how cute he was, and oh, feed him some more. I couldn't believe they were doing that!

Anyway, after the raccoon had eaten his fill, there were still five or six chips on the ground, and we all moved our chairs to the other side of the fire, so we wouldn't be caught off guard again. Well, not much time passed before we heard the same rustling again. Not a raccoon this time. A freaking skunk. So, of course, we all had to stay perfectly still while he came out to grab one chip at a time. This kept on for about a half-hour, that I was made to stay perfectly still, while sitting about 10 feet from a skunk, who at any time could invite some buddies to join him for the feast that lay before them. I was FURIOUS. Who feeds raccoons? Don't most people want to get rid of them?

So when Mr. Skunk finally did leave, I helped clear off the deck, and then we high-tailed it inside. I was under the impression that we were going to play some games or something, but we sat around and watched tv. We could have done that at home. The Boy and I were kinda looking at each other like, "Um... is this it??"

Finally, we headed back to our tent and talked a little more. We had both cooled down, and apologized for the mean things we'd said. We then proceeded to prove that we are compatible after all (wink, wink), and fell asleep.

Sunday morning, we woke up, used the public washrooms, packed up the tent and everything, and went back to A&G's trailer. G made french toast for us, and then the four of us headed out to the Elmvale Zoo. I was thinking it would probably be pretty tiny, with like baby horses and goats, more farm animals than anything else. It wasn't. I got to feed a giraffe! Actually, at one point, I had a giraffe eating out of each hand! I fed monkeys too!!! I LOVE MONKEYS! So yeah, that was lots of fun.

After the Zoo, we went to a huge outdoor flea market. I got Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and The Boy got Castlevania.

We came home, and I had an email from B. She and D are separating. I couldn't believe it. You know how you look up to certain couples, and they become your inspiration, because they are exactly what you think a perfect couple should be? Well, they were one of those for me. And now they're done. After 10 years. Goes to show you never know what happens behind closed doors.

I'm SO glad B's moving back here. I can't wait to have a girlfriend again. We never really got to have a normal friendship, since I moved so soon after we met, but I'm looking forward to just hanging with her and V, and having someone to talk to, and listen to. It's going to kick arse.

Well, I've wasted a lot of time today. I'd better try to get something done. Happy, guys? :D

Stolen from Sarbear who stole it from Anne. Thanks guys. :)

What is something you dislike about yourself? My utter lack of self-discipline/motivation.
What is something you do well? I've always been sorta proud of how I do makeup. It sounds frivolous, which I guess it kinda is, but people always like how their makeup turns out when I do it. And I guess I think I can carry a tune and strum a guitar a little.
What is your favorite room in your home and why? Considering we live in a teeny-weeny apartment, I guess my favourite is the living room. Who says extra-curriculars are restricted to the bedroom, Sarbear??? :D
What is a good neighbor? Someone who is friendly but not too friendly. I don't like to stop to try to make small talk for 10 minutes in the hall.
What is your favorite time of day? When The Boy has been asleep for a few minutes, and I'm getting tired, I put my book on my bedside table, and turn out the lamp. He snuggles in, and tells me lots of nice things, like how much he loves me and how empty his life would be without me. He's still half-asleep, and doesn't remember saying these things when morning comes, but it's still SUPER sweet.
What is your idea of a dull evening? Watching a horror movie. The Boy loves them, so I watch them with him, but I usually hate them. I like the cuddling part though. :)
What is the best way to treat meddlesome people? Ignore them.
What is something you are optimistic about? The wedding.
What is something you are pessimistic about? Surgery.
What is something that makes you feel happy? Family and friend. And, as horrible as it sounds, material things. Hey, I'm a Taurus. Why try to fight it?
What is your most indispensable possession and why? I would say my engagement ring, but it's replaceable. My pictures (digital and otherwise) are not. So I guess my pictures.
What is your favorite song and why? The song I originally wanted to be our first dance, "At Last" by Etta James, was stolen by A&G. Damn them! So I guess now I really like, "Fly," by the Wilkinsons. It's a country song, but very cute. Look up the lyrics. It's how I feel about The Boy. He's truly a gift.
What is the best birthday present you ever received? The hot air balloon ride!
What is the best birthday present you could receive? A trip.
What is something that makes you feel sad? Thinking of the family and friends with whom I've lost touch. It hurts every day. I've got some forgiving to do (them and me).
What is your favorite book and why? Miss Wyoming by Douglas Coupland. Great Canadian author I had the pleasure of meeting a few years ago. I like this book in particular because it has some really cool similes: "Sweating like a pitcher of lemonade," and "her touch was like salve on a burn he didn't know he had." Coupland kicks ass. Do yourself a favour and check him out.
What is something that really bugs you? Shopping for clothes.
What is something that really makes you angry? Shopping for clothes.
What is the best advice you ever received? Just be the best T you can be. Thanks, C.
What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. I used to get the blues at Christmas, because I was always single. Now though, I LOVE the holidays, and doing the lights tours together. :)
What is your favorite day of the week? Sunday, The Boy's only day off. We try to do something special every week.
What is your favorite month and why? August. Great weather, lots of fun stuff to do.
Name three bad habits you have: Procrastinating, eating, watching too much tv.
Name three scents you love: Perfume (most kinds), kitties, and The Boy.
Name something you'd never wear: Fur
Name 3 animals you like: Kitties, doggies, and monkeys
Name four television shows you love: Trading Spouses, Amazing Race 5, Perfect Proposal and The Casino
Name 2 bands/genres most people don't know you like: Janet Jackson (during her Rhythm Nation phase) and Richard Marx always :D
Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: Coke, water and milk
Name Three random facts about yourself: I'm 4'10", but considered tall by my doctors. I've had approximately 100 bone fractures since birth (and I have scoliosis too, Sarbear!). I won my guitar in a talent contest when I was 16.
Name 2 random facts about your family: My dad lost the first two fingers on his right hand while he worked at Cavendish Farms, years ago. He repaired the machines, but they weren't allowed to turn them off to work on them back then. So they were cut off in the french-fry belt. LOL That's fact #1. #2 is that I lived with my grandparents until I was 4, so my uncles are more like brothers to me.
Have you ever...
1) Fallen for your Best Friend? Yes
2) Made out with JUST a friend? No
3) Been rejected or heartbroken? Yes
4) Been in love? Yes
5) Been in lust? Yes
6) Used someone? I probably have. I was pretty selfish when I was younger.
7) Been used? Yes
8) Cheated on someone? No
9) Been cheated on? Yes
10) Done something you regret? Absolutely
Who was the last person…
11) You touched? The Boy
12) You talked to? RM
13) You hugged? Little Guy (not a person, but still)
14) You instant messaged? Kleh
15) You yelled at? Maceo
16) You laughed with? The Boy
17) You had a crush on? Paul Brandt
18) Who broke your heart? MH, LB, TM,
Do you..
19) Colour your hair? Yes. Just did on the weekend, and it came out WAY too dark. The Boy tried to do highlights for me, but they didn't turn out at all. The top of my head is practically orange, and the rest is like purple!!! :D
20) Have tattoos? No, but I'm considering getting a Tudor flower on my pelvis. I just don't want that whole disrobing part. Or the pain part.
21) Have piercings? Just 5 in my ears. Would like to do my nose, or my bellybutton if I were thin.
22) Own a web cam? Yes.
23) Have AOL? No.
24) What should you be doing right now? Working
25) What are you listening to? The Tragically Hip on Much More Retro.
27) Chicken or fish? Chicken, most days.
28) Do you have a favourite animal? Kitties or doggies.
29) Is ice cream the best thing in the world? Nope. If we're talking about desserts, then it's definitely chocolate paté from La Costa.
1. What would your dream date be? Going on a tour of the Tower of London, then out to a fancy dinner that required dressing up, and then theatre. :D
2. Single flower or a dozen? Single
3. Silver, gold or platinum? Silver or white gold
4. Candle lit dinner in a restaurant or at home? In a restaurant. I'm all about exhibitionism. :)
5. Roses or wild flowers? Wildflowers
6. Silly or serious romance? Both. Each has its appropriate moments.
7. Marvin Gaye or Barry White? Marvin Gaye
8. Do you consider yourself a romantic? Yes
9. Who else would you like to see fill out this survey? I'm not sending it out.
Shy? Nope.
Quiet? Nope.
Boring? Yup.
Funny? Some people think I am. Not many though. :)
The Lovey Dovey type? Absolutely.
Dissected something? Yes, in biology
Drank? Yes
Cut your hair? Yes
Kissed someone? Yes
Missed someone? Yes
Told someone you love them? Yes
Met someone new? Yes
What CD is in your CD player right now? Nothing. I listen to MP3s or have digital music channels on tv.
Q. Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Sporty
Q. Favourite Disney Characters? Genie from Aladdin
Q. Favourite fast food? Wendy's
Q. Favourite book? I answered this already! Miss Wyoming. Or something by Jane Austen. Doesn't matter which. :)
Q. Favourite Sports athlete? I hate sports.
Q. Favourite song? I answered this already too. But there's an ad on tv these days with a song that says, "Tooooooday is your lucky day," and The Boy always sings it. He does it to make me laugh... He says, "Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday is your lucky day." :D
Q. What is your shoe size? One is a 6 1/2 and the other is 5 1/2. It sucks, especially when trying to buy sandals or open-toed shoes.
Q. What will you be when you grow up? I don't know yet. Hopefully a happy wife and mother, God willing.

I was really good about the whole thing. Until The Boy got upset. When his feelings are hurt by his own family, there's a big problem that needs solving.

I guess the next thing that happened after I wrote last week was that we couldn't decide whether or not to go over for dinner on Saturday. Friday, when he was at work, his mom called and they had a yelling match. He finally let it all out, how much it hurt him that they were choosing to ignore his feelings (and mine) on the issue, and how it was just utterly inappropriate. Also, there was the issue of the exaggerated connection: Everyone would maintain that she was such a big part of the family for so long, and they were so close, blah blah blah. Not true. In reality, she would spend a week there, maybe two or three times a year, when she would come to town to visit The Boy. Other than that, he visited her. So this big connection that I thought they had doesn't even exist, aside from the images that they've built up in their own heads. That's almost more infuriating than if she had lived there for years. I don't know. It's such a mess.

Anyway, so he tells his mom that we probably won't go over for dinner, since he was still really upset about it, and didn't want to hear people talk about her, etc.

Oh, the other thing he was pissed at was the fact that C (his bro), called to ask him to order a video for him, and said something along the lines of, "Hey may... It's C. You know, the brother who won't be in your wedding party?" That pissed both of us off. We never said who is or isn't going to be in our wedding party, with the exception of his sisters, who TOLD me they were my bridesmaids. Never mind the fact that I've got friends, and two sisters of my own to think of! They all so selfish sometimes. Anyway, The Boy made it clear to him that whoever he heard that from was talking out of their asses. What was said was that, since his two sisters would be bridesmaids, I would like my brother and uncle (S, who is more like a brother) to be groomsmen. I would like us to have the most important people in our lives be in the party, and I think I'll have a hard time making them realize that it's our wedding, not just a party that they get to go to, and that they're not automatically entitled to be a participant. God it sucks that they're all so young and have never experienced this before.

What was said was that the people who can't be in the wedding party would have some other important job to do, like a reading, or attend the guest book, or hand out programs, etc. There's tons to do, so it won't be hard to find jobs for everyone. I just wish they would stop drawing their own conclusions. The Boy never said who would or who wouldn't be in the party, so the fact that his mom and sister were doing this calculation ("Well, T's two, plus A, only leaves two spots, so one of the brothers is going to be left out!"), is ridiculous. We haven't even decided how many attendants we're having, so who told them five? They should all just shut it. :)

Anyway, back to the fight. The Boy was really upset about it, and so was I. I was at R's when he called my cell to tell me about it, and I felt sick for the rest of the day. I just felt horrible for him. So I thought I would probably give him time to cool off and then gently broach the subject. It worked.

Friday night, after work, we went to Chapters and he bought me my Jane magazine (check it out if you haven't already. It's a fashion mag for the real woman, i.e. no super expensive clothes, and lots of interesting articles, not counting Pam Anderson's. Ew.), and a new book called What a Girl Wants by Liz Maverick. I'm liking it so far. You have to like a book that, within the first chapter, has the subject both discovering a dead body in the cubicle next to hers and making out with the investigating detective. It's cute chick lit so far. I'll keep you posted.

Saturday morning, I got up early (read, with him), and asked, "How are you feeling this morning?" in a meaningful way. He said that he wasn't as mad as he was the night before (I knew he would cool down over night.). I said we should probably go to his parents' for dinner. He agreed. He said he would call his mom from work, and patch things up. So he did. She saw his side, and made a decent point: When his ex calls and ASKS if she can come to visit, she puts them in a horrible position. They don't want to hurt her by saying no, and they don't want to hurt us by saying yes. Anyway, he just said it wasn't worth fighting over, so we would be there for dinner. Which we were. It was weird. We walked into the backyard, and The Boy said, "No ex-girlfriends here, are there?" Everyone had a great laugh over that. Then, his mom said, "We said no talking about that, or weddings, so I'll only say one thing: A got really upset because M and J kept calling her T." I LOVED that. :) (His sisters were calling his ex by my name out of habit.) :)

So we had a nice dinner, and I brought the invitations over to show his mom, and she oohed and awwed over them. We left there and went to Shoppers' for snacks. Then, we came back home and watched Bubba Ho-Tep. Seriously, a great movie. Absolutely hilarious. Bruce Campbell kicks SO much ass. I kept missing bits because I was laughing so hard, so we kept having to rewind the DVD. (Not that a DVD is actually re-wound, but you know what I mean.) Great movie.

Sunday, we went to the Ontario Renaissance Festival. It was pretty cool, but I wasn't able to find the two things I most wanted to find: Sealing wax for our invitations and a backgammon set. I thought there would be places to buy things like that, but none of the shops had anything like that in stock. There were other games that I'd never heard of, and they didn't really interest me. The shop that was supposed to have the wax and seals said that their merch hadn't arrived yet! Anyway, we had a great time, and got a horrible sunburn. We were there for four or five hours. The Boy was loving the costumes, obviously, with all the "top boob," (a.k.a. "cleavage") walking around. It was pretty funny actually. Annoying sometimes too though. He kept saying, "You should get a dress like that," and "That dress would look awesome on you!" and, "Let's get married in those clothes!" I don't know about that. Some of the gowns were beautiful, but most were pretty shabby. I loved listening to the employees talk to each other. They used faux accents all the time, and yelled things like, "God save the queen!" to each other. I loved that, and the minstrels. I was born in the wrong time period. I think The Boy's favourite part was the jousting. There was one knight who was actually thrown from his horse. The horse reared up, and fell backwards, on top of the knight! It looked like the horse landed on his leg. Ouch. He got right back on though, and went on to win the tournament. :)

We walked around lots, and I won a free beer on my first try with a crossbow. :) I gave the beer to the lady who taught me to play Quarto. I liked hearing her talk too. She did the accent thing.

After we saw everything we decided to head home. Oh, I forgot to mention that, when we arrived at the fairgrounds and were putting our bags in the trunk, I looked around and saw a woman crying her head off. I looked behind her and saw that she had totally backed into a parked van. I have no idea how it could have happened. The back of her car hit the passenger side of the van, so the passenger in the van couldn't get out. The driver of the car couldn't have been looking at all. I have no idea how it could have happened.

So we left the festival and headed for Toys 'r Us. The Boy bought us a 3-in-1 game set. It's pretty cool: There's backgammon, checkers and chess. :) We played a few games last night. I'm happy to say I'm the backgammon queen. We went to his comic store to finally pick up his three issues of Fangoria, but they had closed his mailbox! He was pretty disappointed, but tried to cover it with sour grapes, saying, "Well, Fango sucks now anyway. I only used to buy it because I felt obligated to since they kept ordering it for me." I think I'll get him a subscription for his birthday, so they'll just send it here. That would be nice. We'll see.

I want to go on What Not to Wear. I SO want a makeover. I SO want people to tell me what would look best on me. I SO want $5,000 to spend on a new wardrobe. I SO want Stacy to teach me how to walk in heels. I SO want to be a size six. *sigh* Alas, I'll have to wait and make myself over when I've got the laptop paid for. Maybe I'll go to Reitman's this weekend and buy a new thing or two. That always makes me feel better: I don't have to spend much, but I feel good wearing new things.

I've been listening to lots of country music lately. I guess working at R's has had an effect on me. I love Paul Brandt's "Leavin'," Sara Evans's "Suds in the Bucket," and Lisa Brokop's "Wildflower."

I've been writing whatever comes to mind, because I didn't want to start working on the web site. Well, now it's 5:07, and the work day is over, so this is Uptown Out. :)

I'm at my wits' end. When I was that the bus stop last night, I called The Boy, like I always do when I'm waiting for the bus. He said he called his parents' house to talk to A about a game or something, and J answered the phone and asked if he'd gotten the "411." She then told him that his ex was on her way over to spend the night. They laughed over how pathetic it was. They hung up and his mom called him back and said, "So I heard you called and J told you something she wasn't supposed to." Needless to say, that pissed him off to no end. But she pacified him by saying that she was just going there to hang out with M, and they didn't want to upset us, blah blah blah.

Today, I'm online talking to M, and she's talking about what a wonderful date she had last night with the guy she just started seeing. Obviously, I found that a little funny. So I said, "Wow... she goes all the way there to hang with you, and you ditch her?" She said, (and I quote) "she hung with my mom and then my sis and her went to see the notebook..and i didnt want to go so i went out with matt..and then i got home at 11 and me and her hung all night chatting about life and shit and catching up.... it was great. and today we hung out....got pizza and now c is coming up to hang. i dont want to sound mean..or anything..but ive missed her..and i no the awkward position ur in.....i get that..but i dont no ive missed her alot..just cause we use to be soo close u no..im sorry"

My response was, "It's cool. Anyway, I have tons of work to do, so we'll talk later, k?"

If someone had told me that I would still be dealing with this after three years, I would have said it wasn't worth it. Right now, I'm saying it might not even be worth it. I'm so fucking sick of it. I can't build a bond with my "new family" while they're still like this. It's like she's a fucking saint or something. I'm so sick of it. If the shoe were on the other foot, they would think it was inexcuseable. Every time I think we're making progress (looking at pictures together and making plans, etc. the other night), something like this happens. I can't fucking deal with this anymore. I can't go over there every week, the best version of myself, posing as a member of the family, knowing that she is still such a big part of their lives. And The Boy is even more upset than I am, if possible.

What the fuck do I do??? I know. Nothing. I can't go over there for dinner this weekend. I won't.

We had a pretty good weekend. Friday, we went to his parents' for dinner, because we hadn't been there in a few weeks, and wouldn't be going on Saturday. It was really nice. I brought the laptop, so his mom and I sat while I showed her pictures from the balloon trip and my "wedding stuff" ideas. She said I have very good taste. :)
 
Saturday, I worked all day. Literally. I so wanted to have all the merging/purging done for GoldMine. Anyway, The Boy got home around 5:30, and we set out to Midland, to A&G's trailer. We brought the tent, and bought an air mattress. We were pretty excited. We stopped at Harvey's for some dinner-on-the-run, and then drove to Midland. It only took 2.5 hours, which was good, we were told.
 
A taught us how to play backgammon, and I'm now addicted. Then, we played the CSI board game, which was fun but ultimately tough to win. We got to sleep around 2 a.m. In the morning, we got cleaned up and packed up the tent and stuff, and went to this castle village. There was a horror museum in the basement that The Boy totally dug. I loved the gift shop. There were hundreds of wooden boxes of all different designs, trunks, baskets... I love containers! :)
 
Then we did a tour of a fairy tale trail, which had "replicas" of fairy tale houses. Like the gingerbread house from Hansel & Gretel, the clock from Hickory Dickory Dock, the three bears' house, blah blah blah. They were pretty cute. We headed back to their trailer, and G and I played a few more games of backgammon while The Boy read his Xbox magazine and A did a test on his computer. We had some lunch, hung out for a bit longer, and then took off for home.

Traffic was crazy coming home, but we knew it would be. Anyway, we had a great weekend. Last night we continued to root for Ken Jennings on Jeopardy, and then watched The Casino, one of our favourite new shows.
 
GoldMine kicks ass, and I'm glad to have it back, but it's taking forever for us to get it up and running. I've been synching with the server for like two hours now, and it's still not done. I think our connection here sucks (I'm at R's house today), so that's probably why it's taking so long.
 
I guess that's it for now. Is this thing on?

Well, I haven't written in a while, and I don't really have an excuse; however, I don't really have much to write about either. I guess the one exciting thing that's happened is that Mom called and said she was in Etobicoke with the sisters for a girls' getaway. After some figuring, we decided to meet them for dinner Wednesday night.

Why? After all that's happened, especially what I learned last week, why would I bother? Because, as much as I hate myself for it, there's still a spark somewhere deep (REALLY deep) inside me that hopes she'll wake up one morning and be the mother I've always wanted. For whatever reason, I just can't give up on her and, again, I hate myself for it.
 
She was so happy to see us, and she and her friends loved my ring and the pictures we showed them. The Boy had a good point when he said, "She couldn't leave her friends behind to just have dinner with the two of us?" I felt it was a good idea for them to come though because, otherwise, it would have been the three of us sitting and staring at each other for two hours. It was nice to chitchat with her friends. They're pretty cool ladies.
 
When we were driving home afterward, The Boy asked what why I was so quiet, and I started to cry because I'd been thinking about how it didn't feel like I'd just eaten dinner with my mom. I still missed her. I missed how we once were, which wasn't perfect by any means, but it was normal for me. It just sank in, for the zillionth time, that we would probably never have that again: That I will probably never be able to forget everything and just be cool hanging out with her. There would always be unspoken words running through my head, screaming to come out. I had to bite my tongue over and over again, to just not let everything out. But I was a good girl.
 
And I made sure that The Boy and I had our own separate bill.