Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Last night actually wasn't that bad! It was actually kinda nice! Despite the fact that it was A's birthday, they bought us Chinese food. It was SO good, and everyone remained quiet during American Idol, much to my surprise.

Speaking of AI, I thought it was a very underwhelming episode. Motown is usually my favourite, but I was really disappointed with a few people. The only ones I really liked were George, Jennifer (who I usually don't like), and Fantasia. I think the bottom three will probably (hopefully) be John, JPL and Camile. If not JPL then Amy. And, I'm sorry to say it, but I hope John goes home. He's just way out of his league. He knows it, and the rest of the world knows it. The Boy keeps saying that I should love him, because he's all about the Rat Pack. He doesn't understand that just because someone tries to sound a certain way doesn't mean they do. Or successfully anyway. So yeah, I want John to go home.

Work sucked today. Not for any particular reason. I was bored, mostly. Finally, in the late afternoon, I started reading the novel I'd brought. Yeah, I know, I'm a terrible employee. Screw you. I haven't had a bonus in three years, nor a raise in two and a half, despite the fact that the company is "showing record numbers." Again, screw you. Oh, but to "celebrate" the recent closing, we're all being treated to lunch at Shakespeare's next week. Woop-dee-freaking-doo. Sure, their steak is second to none (that I've had), but it's an insult considering the luxury in which he's permitted to live. It's the proverbial bone.

Tomorrow night is Rollins. Should be interesting. I have no idea what to expect. See? I told Sar-bear that I'm a concert whore. I really am! I think we're going to go out for dinner before the show, so that will be nice. An actual date with my boy. We don't do that nearly enough. I love him so much lately. Yes, the marriage thing is still in the back of my mind (remind me to tell you about TCM), but I just look at him sometimes and think, "Holy moly... I'm a lucky girl."

Yeah, TCM = the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. What a massacre it was. Not that I liked the original, but still. It was absolutely horrible. It couldn't have been more predictable if it had starred Tom Cruise, who we all know I can not, no matter how hard I try, take seriously. So we were watching TCM, all cuddled up, basking in the afterglow of a bowl of hot buttered popcorn, and the girl in the movie says to her soon-to-be-hacked-into-small-pieces boyfriend, "Oh, you could buy me a nice pear-shaped-diamond ring," or something like that. I said to The Boy, "Hey, honey! It's us!" and we had a nice laugh. The guy in the movie laughed, and said, "Yeah right." And I said, "Wow! It really *is* us!" And we had another nice laugh. I just love hanging with him. Every night is fun.

Gotta go. More later.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Is it safe to assume that this is just an unstable site, bound to have a lot of downtime? If so, then here's my heart.

chocolate heart
Heart of Chocolate - Sweet. Appealing. Charming. You are versatile, and yet very sentimental and romantic. You long for someone who will melt with you perfectly.

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

And I'm a glass of wine, supposedly.

You're a Glass of Wine! - Crowd watcher, listener, quiet, intellectual. You're the one everyone comes to in a time of need, and you always come through.

What Type of Alcoholic Beverage Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Boy just called. Because J quit, he's going to have to change shifts. Now he'll be working 2-9 on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Absolute bullshit. By the time he gets home, I'll be getting ready for sleep! His boss has no idea how good he's got it, and The Boy has no idea that there are bosses out there who won't take advantage of his generous (read, in this case: "yes man") nature.

Okay, now I'm pissed. My blog went all crazy and published the same post like three times and then, when I deleted the duplicates, I lost the comments for the original. Hmph.

FS stopped by the office today. It was so nice to see her! She's so young and trendy, and such a sweetheart. She looks like she buys the clothes from magazines, while I just dream about them. *sigh* I guess the expendable income to buy expensive clothes is one of the perks of living with the 'rents.

Why doesn't everyone have comments on their blogs? For goodness sakes, how can I tell you that your blog rocks, if you don't have any way for anyone to contact you?

Could it be that this isn't important to some people? Naaaaahhhhh...

I tried doing a "what's your heart truly made of" quiz, and found that it's made of chocolate. I'll ignore the urge to make a joke about eating my heart out.

Tried to link it here, but it won't work. I need a domain. Or at least somewhere to store photos so I can link them here.

Two shows I've never watched, but would sort of like to start watching, to see what the fuss was all about: My So-Called Life and Sex and the City. I think you can rent the season DVDs now, for each. Maybe I'll do that this weekend.

It's A's birthday today, so we're going over for dinner and to watch American Idol. Well, we know we won't actually WATCH AI. They'll talk through the whole thing, which infuriates me to no end; however, it's his birthday, so I have to be nice.

Things I hate:

  1. When people talk during tv shows or movies that I'm trying to watch.
  2. Being bloated.
  3. Discovering forgotten expenses and not having the money to pay for them.
  4. Waiting for my income tax refund.
  5. Paying $50 for a birthday gift, AND having to pay for dinner.
  6. Number 5, plus, they still owe me $20. Meow.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Ow. My entire body is an aching mass. But I'll get to that later.

Games night sucked. Saturday, we went for dinner, and then to Indigo, and I bought two magazines and a book. Not the book I wanted though. The book I wanted was only available in hard cover. I hate hard cover. So I bought Speechless, by Yvonne Collins and Sandy Rideout.

Last night, or should I say this morning, Dad called. Drunk. Very drunk. I pretty much yelled at him and told him that he's got to get it together, if not for his own sake then for mine and CJ's. I got off the phone with Dad, and went back to bed. The Boy asked if I was okay, and I just started sobbing. For my dad, for my brother, for my mother, for myself, for what used to be my family. For knowing that I'll never have that family again. I don't want to think about it anymore.

Today was nice. :) We slept in, went for lunch at the mall, then to Ikea, where we got a credit card with a $2,000 limit. So we bought this coffee table and this dresser. I put the coffee table and dresser drawers together, and The Boy did the dresser. I think we're going to give our old stuff to his brothers for their apartment. They're starving students, so they could use the help. And my body is aching from carrying stuff and putting stuff together. So there.

I talked to TP online tonight. She sent me some pictures, one of which was of DS dressed as Santa Claus, with TM and MB on his knee. TM is so gross. He looks so bloated and smarmy and... middle-aged. It's called karma. And, like revenge, it tastes sweet.

S is curled up beside me. She's been with me since the beginning. Sometimes I just think about how much we've been through together. I'm SO thankful that she's here. I'd be lost without her.

The Boy finished The Suffering tonight. We're watching a documentary on Eastern State Penitentiary right now. Old prisons are fascinating to me.

Writing. Choppy. Getting. Late. Must. Sleep.

Friday, March 26, 2004

I've been blogging for a few months now, and haven't taken the time to describe myself. Despite my candor in my posts, I don't want to divulge too many specifics; however, a few tidbits can't hurt, I guess.

A little about me (I'll keep updating this):

  1. I'm not quite 5'.
  2. I'm of "average" build.
  3. I'm a redhead.
  4. I'm going to be 27 soon.
  5. I love to read and listen to music (not at the same time though).
  6. I sing and play guitar.
  7. I'm Canadian.
  8. I haven't seen The Passion yet, but I want to.
  9. I rarely eat breakfast.
  10. I spend too much money.
  11. I used to think that sex = love.
  12. I don't anymore.
  13. I hate hard cover books.

So I had McD's for lunch again. You can't expect me to start eating sensibly on a Friday. It's just not done.

Games tonight. Will the fighting continue, or will we finally put them in their place, i.e. "We're playing. If you don't want to play, don't play. Majority rules, from here on in. Suck it up."

Hm. Suck it up. I should practice what I preach.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Okay, so obviously, lately, I have two obsessions: My mother, and getting married. It's pretty amazing how huge an effect she's had on me. I don't mean in a "my mother made me who I am and I'm so glad" kind of way. I mean in a "damn her to hell for these emotional issues I struggle with every damn day of my life" kind of way. Don't worry, I'm well aware of the abandonment stuff, how it relates to wanting to get married so I'll never be alone, blah blah blah. I'm aware.

Yes, I'm doing more than my fair share of navel-gazing lately. I've never been one for self-pity (nor have I been allowed a chance to dabble in it, even if I'd wanted to); however, there's a fine line between dealing with emotions in a healthy way, over-indulgence in self-pity, and just pushing the hurt down deep, deep, deep, and just a little deeper inside, until every time my mother even crosses my mind, I start crying. Granted, I'm PMS-ing. Granted, I was raised to just take whatever shit I was given, and deal with it. Or, as they say, "When life gives you lemons, eat your fucking lemons." I will never EVER tell someone, "Don't cry. It could be worse," when they're upset. I'll let them cry as long as they want to, and I'll hold them as long as they want me to. I'll never make them feel like they're being a burden for expressing how they feel. And I'll spend my life making my children (God willing) understand that they are the most important people in my world.

I don't know if I become more aware of the hurt every day, or if I let it grow every day. It's so hard to make a realistic picture of her in my head. I keep seeing butterflies and slow-motion montages in which she takes me in her arms and I feel like I'm the world to her, just as she was mine. Was. WAS. I'm not the only woman who's been hurt by her mother. I know that. It just sucks that I'm becoming aware of the issues all at once. I would love to forget about all this for a while. I wish it had stayed buried for another 26 years.

I had an epiphany earlier today. I know I've bitched a lot about my "mother" lately. A little more won't hurt.

I was thinking about getting married (I know, "Again???"), and contemplating whether or not I want children at the reception. (The answer is, of course, yes. I can't imagine a special day like that without kids.) Anyway, I remembered when I was little, my mom would say stuff like, "Well, you're not coming. I need a break from you kids." What struck me, just today, all these years later, is this: "A break from us kids????" Even when she was home, we were almost not allowed to talk to her. She would never spend time with us or do anything with us. If we said we were bored, or asked her to play games with us, she would make us go to our rooms to play, or go outside. After a while, we stopped asking. My dad, on the other hand, would do things with us anytime we asked. Cards, boardgames, watching a movie... He was the real parent.

He jumped into parenthood, head first, and hasn't come up for air since. Nor has he wanted to. I've never once doubted his love for me. Sure, we fought, like all father/daughter teams, but I always knew that CJ and I were the top priorities in his life. My mother, on the other hand, once told me that she wished I'd never been born. She denied saying it when I brought it up later. And never, ever, apologized. She would go shopping and come home with bags full of goodies for herself, and nothing for CJ or me. Or Dad, for that matter, even though he was left to pay the bills after she spent all her money on herself.

Yet, through all this, I felt closer to my mother. We were the team. We'd been together since the beginning. We were the girls. I kept getting beaten (emotionally, of course), but I would always come back for more, hoping that the next time would be different, and she would want to spend time with me. Now the shoe is on the other foot, but she's not trying. She left ONE voicemail for me, months ago, and I tried calling her cell a few times, but it was always off. I'll be damned if I'm going to call her at "his" place. Fuck that. So she goes around telling half the world that our relationship is still great, and that I'm totally standing by her, and telling the other half that I won't have anything to do with her. Making herself the hero/victim, whichever suits the situation best. If she called right now, I wouldn't hang up on her. That's not my style. I might scream, I would definitely cry, but I would not hang up. But she doesn't know that, because she gave up.

I told CE that it feels like she's enjoying her newfound freedom... that she's finally living the life she always wanted: One free of children. I hope she's enjoying it enough for the four of us, because the rest of us are going through hell.

We went to A&G's for the show, and the same thing happened as last week. They ruined it. Am I just PMS-ing? Maybe. But seriously, if people go over to your house, for the specific purpose of watching a tv show, for god's sake, watch the tv show. And I felt like every word out of my mouth was fodder for an argument. I hate going there to watch the shows. I just want to stay at home, curled up with The Boy. Is it wrong to want to cut myself off from civilization sometimes? I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes. Right?

Today, Zannah and Hugo made my day. Thanks again, guys. I'm a huge fan of each of you, respectively, and am honoured that you give me the time of day. Yes, I'm making a huge production out of nothing, but let me have this small moment. :)

I'm eating McD's again. No wonder I'm such a cow lately. I feel gross and huge and very un-sexy, which explains the drought in the bedroom. I know it will pass. I just have to get motivated. I'm almost there though. I'm sick of being tired all the time, and hating the way my body looks and feels. I know I just have to get my arse in gear. The Boy tells me how hot I am, and I know he truly thinks so. But I have to learn to think so too, or do something about it.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

GibberGibber, if you read this, I'm going through the same thing you are. If you'd like someone to bitch about it with (and encourage each other!), drop me a line!

I hope to hear from you.

I wanna be a bridezilla too. No, I wanna not be a bridezilla. But a soon-to-be-bride.

RM just called and asked if I'm still interested in working for him. I said, "If you still want me, I still want you." I can't imagine finally being rid of this place. Can you believe the timing? He said he's meeting with his guys tomorrow, so he'll let me know if they approve a full-time person (being me). I would work from home. I would so love to work from home for a while. I can't imagine the freedom.

God, I hope it works out. I don't know how much more of this place I can take.

So I called The Boy to tell him my exciting news, and he shot it down. He said, "Well, don't get your hopes up... It's not like you haven't heard that before."

If I don't have hopes, what do I have? A job I hate, a boyfriend who's dragging his feet, and $7.84 in my chequing account. I'm hanging on to the hope of this new job, with all my might.

I keep running the fingers of my right hand along my right cheek. I can't believe how soft my skin is now! I've always had problems with my skin, either with it being too dry, too pimply, too flaky, too blotchy... It's so nice to see those problems going away a little more every day. In case I've never mentioned it, I LOVE Marcelle products. You should check them out. Good Canadian company, with amazing makeup and skin care products. And pretty reasonably priced too.

I feel like I haven't accomplished anything at work this week. I know I have though. A lot of things. A profile update, and TONS of computer maintenance. I so want to leave this place forever. Forevah.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find new things to write about. Well, this just popped into my head for some reason. The first time I went to my ex-boyfriend's house, I was creeped out to see that he had a Glamour Shot of his mother hanging on his bedroom wall. I asked what the deal was, and he said something about wanting to display a photo of the person who, he claimed, was the most beautiful woman in the world. When I repeat it, it sounds almost cute. Trust me though, it was creepy as hell. Surreal. Bizarre. I'm not kidding. We didn't last long, for a plethora of reasons. I'll do you the favour of not going into those reasons, but let's just say that he was a dirty, dirty liar, and a creepy mama's boy. Just the thought of him makes me want to take a scalding shower, curl up in the fetal position and chant, "I feel so dirty. I feel so dirty."

Yes, folks, I've been with some winners. Thankfully, my relationship with The Boy has been relatively drama-free these past two years or so. There was plenty of drama at the beginning, when he would test me with his I-want-you-so-I'll-push-you-away tactics, and his ex calling every five minutes. Things are good now though. Really good. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have him and he has me.

We're going to A&G's tonight, and I think we're getting greasy McD's for dinns. Yum. Haven't done the burger dinner in so long. Should be sickeningly good. I'll probably write after we get home. We're watching Survivor at A&G's house, and then will watch the taped AI when we get home, after which The Boy will probably want to play his video game. I'll be back, if there's time.

Monday, March 22, 2004

I know I deserve the best. Everyone does; however, I also know that, just because he doesn't love me the exact way I want him to doesn't mean he doesn't love me with all his heart.

It's taken 26 years to learn that. I know he loves me. And I know that I deserve absolute happiness like everyone else in the world. I know that I'm happy with him, and I know he's happy with me. I know we'll get married. I know we will. I just hate the damned waiting.

I know I talk about it constantly, but I've been trying not to, and trying not to think about it. I think I just really need him to express his commitment to me on a deeper level. Okay, enough of that.

When did I write last? Did I write at all on the weekend? Well, if so, skip this part. If not, read on.

Friday night we were supposed to play games, as usual; however, when I called to ask what we should bring as our dinner contribution, G said that they were sick and wanted to bag out. Cool with us. We watched Mad Mad House and Playing it Straight.

Now I remember typing this already.

Oh, but Sunday we went for lunch at Casey's, which was yummy. When we were done, he said, "Maybe we should take a look at Twain, to see if they have another ring like the one you wanted." See? He's totally egging me on! He went on to say, "Oh, they probably won't get another one like it. It wasn't that nice anyway, and it's not like there's a high demand for that type of ring, is there?" It's like he was wanting me to say how nice the ring was, and how much I loved it. So I did. What am I supposed to think? He's totally messing with my mind! Then we went to his video game store so he could buy The Suffering. Then, we noticed a 70% off sign at the jewellry store, so we took a quick look. Didn't see anything much. We didn't really have time to go to the other end of the mall to Twain, so we just started walking toward the exit near our car. I guess I was visibly disappointed that we weren't going to Twain, because as we passed another store, he said, "Well, we have time to stop in here." He was glued to my side the whole time, watching really closely. The saleswoman asked what I was looking for, so I told her and she said, "Oh, we could make that, no problem. You tell us what you want, and we'll make it for you." It was nice that he heard that. Now he knows he doesn't have to just buy whatever he sees in the display case.

Anyway, after all that, we went to see Secret Window. It was amazing. I absolutely loved it. Very cool ending, very creepy movie. Definitely worth seeing. And, hey, Johnny Depp. Need I say more?

So yeah, The Boy is messing with my head. He exaggerates everything, like saying, "Wow, you're talking a lot about rings and stuff. Can we give it a break?" and then going on to talk about the camera, how much (or how little) money he has saved, etc.

Okay. No more. Next time I mention it, slap me.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Well, game night last night was cancelled, because A&G were sick. We were pretty relieved. We had souvlaki and salad for dinner, and watched Thursday's Mad Mad House and then the 9:00 Playing it Straight. Today, I watched the concert version of Les Miserables. I wish it had been the fully blocked one, with all the scenery and props and stuff, but the concert version was pretty moving just the same.

Then we went to The Boy's parents' for dinner (shepherd's pie. Ick.), and then to Chapters. I had no idea how many wedding planning books and magazines there are. It's insane, and they're all so obscenely expensive! Vendors pray on gullible brides, I guess.

We got home around 8:30, and we watched Gothika. One of my biggest fears: Waking up one day to find that the people around me think I've done something horrible (i.e. committed murder!), and that I'm crazy! To know the cause, or the real murderer, and have no one believe you. Bleh. I don't even want to think about it.

Tomorrow, we're going to Casey's for lunch, then to the video game store so The Boy can buy his video game, then to see Secret Window. Should be a nice day. We'll see how it goes.

Friday, March 19, 2004

Took the Okcupid test. I'm the Maid of Honor. http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=DGLM&g=2&o=1&h=147

BD took me out for lunch, so I would go to his mom's and fix her computer. It's so nice when people think I'm a genius, just because I know where to look for answers to simple questions. People sometimes just feel lost, because they don't know where to find answers to their questions. They find themselves absolutely paralyzed with fear, terrified of the little beige box on their desks. So sad, really.

She knows a hell of a lot for being 83 years old though. The fact that she even has a computer is downright staggering.

I feel so blah today. I don't want to work. I want to go home and go to sleep. Or find another job. I've been checking the government web sites lately for postings, but haven't found anything in my geographic area (or area of expertise, for that matter).

It's Friday, so I should be happy, but why? It's going to be games tonight (replete with fighting, I'm sure), dinner tomorrow, and a movie Sunday. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... There's got to be more than this.

I've given up on the ring idea. I think he really meant it that it will be another few years before he's ready. Can I wait that long? Even as I type this, I'm hoping, in the back of my mind, and deep in my heart, that he'll do it on Saturday. That he'll prove me wrong. That he'll finally show me that he's in it for the long haul. He claims he is, but now he needs to show me. Isn't there a song about that? If you know it, please email me and tell me what it is.

Or just email me for no reason. I love hearing from new people.

Will anyone even be able to read this? I can't make the "most recently published blogs" list lately, no matter how hard I try. Posting at a high-traffic time of day, I guess.

Anyway... that's it for now. I guess I'd better get a little work done. At least I'm wearing my Silvers today, so I've got comfort if nothing else.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Idol, Survivor and Newlyweds tonight. I should change the name of my blog to "Blog of a Reality TV Junkie."

I think we're going to Quizno's for dinns, then to A&G's for the shows. I've been reading a few blogs today, and they all make me want to introduce myself to the writers. Every blog I read contains something that makes me want to say, "Yeah, me too!" or, "Hey, that's a perspective I hadn't considered."

I wish I weren't angry with my mother anymore. I wish I could call her and tell her how angry I am with her. I wish I felt like she cared one way or the other. I know, deep, deep, waaaaaay, down deep that she does care, but she's just not showing it. I need to see some remorse, dammit. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I'm sitting at EC's desk right now. You have to hammer on the keyboard for it to work. It's maddening. Let's fix that. Better now? Much.

I'm doing all the maintenance on the computers. DR's gone, DF's gone, JT's gone, BD's gone... Man, it's nice and quiet today. Too bad it's storming like a mo' fo'. Yeah, that's right. I said mo' fo'.

I'm tired. I'm I'm I'm. I'm aware.

We went grocery shopping last night. I love food. I fully intended to buy healthy foods, but that fell by the wayside when I saw the Easter candy. Mmmm... resurrection candy....

I made an appointment for my road test. I'm scared. It's just two days before my birthday, so it will either be a day of celebration, because I've turned 27 and have my license, or it will be a day of celebration, because I've turned 27 and don't have my license. I'm cool either way, as long as I don't get into an accident or something.

I checked out the government web site yesterday, to look for job listings. There are lots, but they're really specialized, and none are in our area. It would be nice if I could find something like Dad was talking about... the CR3 or CR4 or whatever. I could definitely use $40K per year.

For some reason, I just remembered doing the taxes of an old woman, when I was in college. My instructor told me one day that he wanted me to go and do this old woman's taxes. So I went, and, of course, screwed it up, and had this poor woman owing over $9,000 even though she was on the Old Age Pension. So I told her that I would have my teacher fix it, and mail it in for her. Then I just sat with her and listened to her tell me stories about her life. She was so lonely, and her apartment (which was the size of a shoe box) smelled funny to my 18-year-old nose, and she wore a wig. I can't remember any details of her story, or even her name, but I felt so sad for her. I hugged her when I left, and she gave me an apple. I promised that I would go back and visit her one day, but I never did. I feel kinda bad about that now. This all happened when I was hanging around with LB a lot. I asked him if he would go and visit her with me, and he said he would. But we never did.

Anyway, LB was my best friend in my last year of high school, and first year of college. He was my ex-boyfriend's friend (DM), and after we broke up, LB and I started talking and hanging out more. We could talk about anything, and everything. I talked to him more than I talked to CP. I remember once, he was going to Hamilton with his family (wow!), and we stayed up talking on the phone all night, literally.

It wasn't long after that, I don't think, when he first asked me out. I think he said something like, "So, do you wanna try playing the dating game?" I had no clue what he was talking about... I said, "Huh? What do you mean?" And he said, "You have no idea that I'm crazy about you, do you?"

I'm all melty right now, thinking about it. I wasn't at the time though. I did the whole, "Oh, we're such good friends, and I wouldn't want to ruin it... blah blah blah."

He asked me a few more times after that, every few months or so, for maybe two years. And I never said yes.

Then, in maybe 1998, he called me. My then-boyfriend, TB, was going into the shower, and was going home that night. I asked LB if I could call him back later that night, so I did. We talked for hours, and I told him that I loved him and wished I'd taken him up on his many requests to play "the dating game." We talked for so long, about how nice it would have been, and he said, "For all these years, when I would talk to people, I would say, 'Yeah, T, she's the best.' But now I just want to hold you in my arms."

It would be a nice story if it had ended there, but it didn't.

The next time I was home, which wasn't long after that conversation, I saw him one of my first nights there. We went to the video store, and rented "Sex, Lies and Videotape." Then we went back to his parents' house (I'm not sure where they were). We cuddled on the couch, as we had a million times in the past, but then he started touching my hair or something... rubbing my neck maybe... I don't know. Anyway, we started kissing, and then I had to go to the bathroom.

Not a little tinkle. The most violent diarrhea I've ever experienced to this day. I spent the next hour in his upstairs bathroom, with it coming out of both ends. He was so sweet about it, and tried to spoonfeed me Pepto Bismol between trips to the bathroom.

We eventually realized that I would be spending the rest of the night in the bathroom, so we went downstairs to his room, which had a little ensuite. I can't believe I threw up and diarrhea-ed right next to his bedroom. Anyway, we stayed up all night, mostly naked in each other's arms, just kissing, and holding each other. I didn't want to kiss him because I must have tasted (and smelled) horrible, but he said he didn't care. He said he'd been waiting for it for so long, and he didn't care. He kept getting up with me, and going upstairs to get me glasses of water in the wee, small hours of the morning, so I would have something to throw up, instead of just dry heaving. All in all, despite being the most sick I've ever been, it was one of the best and most romantic nights of my life.

It would be a nice story if it had ended there, but it didn't.

He took me home in the morning, and then came to visit a few days later, and said it had all been a mistake, that we should never have kissed, that it was too confusing, since we lived so far apart, blah blah blah. I was heartbroken. I had S with me, so I held her so tight I'm surprised she didn't claw my eyes out. I remember saying, "Well, S wants my kisses." Such a feeble thing to say. I just couldn't believe that, after all the waiting, on both sides, it was now delegated to one of those nights that was regretted the morning after.

Even so, there'll always be a special place in my heart for Pepto Bismol.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

It’s 4:30 a.m., and I’m sitting in bed, beside The Boy, who is fast asleep. A half-hour ago, I got off the phone with my dad. We talked for about an hour and 45 minutes. It was a great conversation. He admitted to me that he’s been drinking and gambling lately, but wants to stop. He knows that, if he doesn’t stop, he’ll go down the path he’s been avoiding for 20 years. He told me what Mom wants. It’s absolutely obscene. If she gets it, he’ll be in debt for the rest of his life. His lawyer thinks he should go to court, because then the truth will come out. She’ll have more to worry about than Dad’s pension, that’s for sure.

To be honest, I hope it doesn’t get to that. I hope she smartens up and takes what he’s offering her. I don’t want it to get ugly, because if it does, I’ll want her to lose.

Dad was told by one of her cousins (to whom I've spoken maybe 5 times in my life), that Mom and I are doing great, blah blah blah. I told him that I haven’t spoken to her since Christmas and, if he ever wants to know about me, he should come to me. I’m so sick of the grapevine.

Lots of other drama too. TB and MB broke up, and now MB is with CM. So that makes HB not talk to CoM, even though they used to be so close. I can’t imagine MB and CM. It’s just bizarre. I never trusted MB. Seriously. LB told me about her before they got married, and I haven’t forgotten. I feel bad for TB, but he’s young and I’m glad it’s happened now and not 20 years from now, like Mom and Dad.

CJ has shut down. Dad said that he hasn’t been eating, he’s been staying late at school, just not being himself. He told Dad that I haven’t been replying to his emails, which is pretty much the exact opposite of the truth. He hasn’t been replying to MINE! And now there’s trouble with him and J, so I promised Dad that I would try to talk to him in a day or two.

I also promised that I would call the DMV on Monday and make an appointment for my driver’s test. Yikes. I’m not ready for that but I know there will be a long waiting period, so I’m not too worried yet. He said that, if we flew home, he would give us the Mustang to drive, as long as one of us could drive standard. J

He said that JG was telling him how great his kids are. That we’re the smartest of the bunch… DG has no sense, CM lives off his daddy’s handouts, and CJ and I are taking care of ourselves as best we can. I said KM is trying, and Dad agreed with me. She just doesn’t seem to get any consideration from the family. Yes, she’s made mistakes, but she’s trying to make something of her life.

Dad also said again how much Grandad thinks of me. It feels weird, like they don’t really know me. Like they’ve idolized me since I moved away. I don’t know. It’s nice to be the white sheep of the family (the opposite of the black sheep?), but I feel very undeserving.

I also promised Dad that I would look into jobs with the federal government. He said that CR3s make up to $20 per hour, and CR4s make even more than that. He said that you can go online and see what the “test” would look like, and write it online. Oh, and if you work evenings, you get $2 more per hour. If we moved to the Island, and both worked at the GST, we would be rolling in dough! Definitely something to think about.

It’s 5:00 now, and I’m still not ready for sleep. Just so many thoughts running through my head. I want to go to the mall tomorrow (today) and see my ring again. I don’t want to wait anymore. I feel like, if he’s not ready now, he never will be. I know I’m not being fair, but I can’t help the way I feel. I want to start a new chapter.

I guess I should attempt to sleep. We’re supposed to go for breakfast with A&G, and then to see Starsky & Hutch. Should be a fun day. Maybe, if we can convince them to come to the mall, I can show G the ring.

Well, yeah, I’m gonna go. More tomorrow (later).

Saturday, March 13, 2004

I've changed a few settings on the Blog, and made it public. God help me. Note to self: Change all names to initials, to protect the guilty.

Games night sucked. It's so sad when one's religious beliefs can cloud the mind so much that a simple board game is not fun anymore. Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that religion is wrong. I'm saying it should enrich your life. Not restrict it. Now you think I'm going to hell. Call me crazy, but I like to believe that we were given free will for a reason, and that reason is so that we could make our own mistakes and learn from them. With some exceptions, of course. It goes without saying that some mistakes are much more severe than others, like I think most would agree that the sin of pre-marital sex is a little less severe than, say, murder. But that's just me.

Anyway, The Boy dropped me off at the mall today, on his way to work. I went with the intention of buying a nice, professional set of cosmetic brushes. SO not me. But I've always used really cheap ones from WalMart, not that there's anything wrong with them... But I'm a big girl now and wanted a big girl set of makeup brushes. Why do I feel like I have to apologize for being girlie now and then? I guess because I never used to pay attention to the way I looked. I was the grunge queen. Now, I know myself, and know that I like to look nice sometimes, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

So, that being said, I got my brushes, and they gave me a facial and did my makeup for free. It was nice to be pampered. And, no, I didn't go and look at the ring. I couldn't bear it. I can almost taste it, but I stayed away.

Now, I'm home and, when I checked my email, I found two letters from people who've read my mail! It was so nice of V and H to write. I hope to hear from them again. It would be nice to have a few net friends/pen pals.

Tonight is dinner with The Boy's parents, as usual. Then, Chapters, I think. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll nap now. I have a few hours before he gets home from work.

Friday, March 12, 2004

Games night. No fights, please. Super tired. Hating the X. Needing a rest. Couldn't sleep last night. Little Guy was tearing up a roll of toilet paper, so I had to get up and take it from him. Did crosswords until after 1:00 a.m. Now soooo exhausted. Glad it's Friday. Hopeful money will hold out all weekend.

Survivor: Glad Colby's gone. Rooting for Rob, sort of. He's a jerk, but justifiably so. He's doing great.

Apprentice: Wish Katrina would go. Very annoying, and someone needs to talk to her about her eyelining practices. Nice bling on her ears and finger though.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

I've just changed a few of the settings in my blog. God, I hope that deleting my old one won't delete this one. :(

Saturday, March 06, 2004

I write this on my new-ish computer. Old hard drive, new body. It's like my computer has had a facelift. Literally. But this one is all splotchy, and the splotches won't come off. Like Meg Ryan's plastic surgery. Meant to improve stuff, but turning it into something that more accurately resembles a duck than an ingenue. Hm.

I don't think The Boy is ever going to propose. I so deeply want him to, and it's practically all I can think about. I had almost fooled myself into thinking that he had secretly bought the ring and would propose when I least expected it, but now I'm resigning myself to the fact that his camera really does mean more to him. That he really does want to wait a few more years. The problem is that I don't think I can wait that long. We tell each other every day how much we love each other, and how we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Are we trying to convince each other, or ourselves? I know that I could spend forever with him, in wedded, relative bliss; however, I know he's still holding back, and that's making me hold back. I think. I don't know. I'm sick of thinking about it. And praying about it. And dreaming about it. And planning it, when IT isn't even going to happen for another few years. Is he just pulling a Chandler, i.e.: making me think he doesn't want to marry me for another few years? Or is he really serious?

I keep thinking of Christmas. You know, when he would say, "Sorry, baby, I can't afford to get you an MP3 Player," or , "Sorry hon, I can't afford to get you a digital camera." But he did. He just didn't want me to know he was going to. I want so badly for it to be that... that he's trying to knock me off the track.

It would be SO not like him to take advantage of such an amazing deal like that. 40%. Wow. Well, I'll give him another week. If nothing happens, I think I'll have to step it up a gear, and let him know how I really feel: That I can't wait forever for something, if he has no intentions of ever giving it to me.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

It seems I only write after the weekend. Well, so be it. At least I write.

Last weekend was great. Friday, we went to A&G's to play games. We played Sexdrive, which the boy bought at Chapters. It was actually really fun. Everyone enjoyed it, even me, J&C.

Then I was supposed to go shopping with MS on Saturday. She was to get off work at noon, so I made a hair appointment at 10:30, and planned to go over and hang out with their mom until MS got home and got ready to go to the mall. Well, Saturday morning, as we were getting ready to go, their mom called and said everyone was sick, so M didn't want to go shopping. It's like the third time she's ditched on me! If she's really sick, fine, but I'm going to stop asking. Anyway, the good news was that since everyone was sick, we decided to cancel dinner.

I went to Westcliffe anyway, and had my haircut. The woman was really nice (Sally, I think her name was), but she left my hair soaking wet! When I hesitated, she said, "Oh, did you want me to blow it dry?" I said, "Uhhh... yes please!" Still, it was $15. Sure beats $50 for a cut and horrible style from Salon Mirage!

After I finished there, I took the bus home (my first bus ride in, literally, months, thank goodness). I tried watching an old Liz Taylor movie, but just couldn't get into it. Instead, I surfed the net, read magazines, and watched TLC. What an addictive channel.

The Boy got home and we went to Chapters. That was cool. I bought Ariella Papa's other book, On the Verge, but haven't really gotten into it yet. I'll keep trying.

We got home and watched "School of Rock." It was great! I love Jack Black. Come to think of it, I love Jack White too. Hm. Anyway, the movie was very cute, and I would definitely watch it again.

Sunday, we got up and went to Maple Leaf Pancake House for breakfast. It was actually pretty good. I didn't even finish my food, there was so much.

Next, we went to Silver City. We bought our tickets for "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights." The boy actually WANTED to see it! I was pretty happy. We were really early, so we played some arcade games while we waited, and he called P to see if he wanted to come with us, but P passed saying, "Dude, what are you, in the doghouse or something?" :)

We both loved the movie. It was SO cute. But someone needs to tell Patrick Swayze to ease up on the surgeries. His face has lost all ability to convey emotion. Or maybe it's just his lack of acting skills. Still, very cute movie.

After the movie, we went to the mall. We were just kind of walking along, and I was looking at a poster outside a jewellry store (People's, if you must know), and he said, "We can go in, you know." So we went in, but I didn't see anything I liked. We kept going, and went to his video game store.

Blah blah blah, more stores, then another jewellry one. Twain. Shangri-La. Home of my ring. A beautiful, round, fiery 0.63 carat diamond, flanked on either side by a small round blue (almost black) sapphire. Yes, the stones were all round. And the band was yellow gold. Not exactly what I had in mind, but still perfect.

We were just looking around at first, and we saw some solitaires on silver/white gold/platinum. He kept saying, "How about these?" And I kept saying, "Almost." Then, we saw a ring with three diamonds, a beautiful setting, and it happened to be in the display case behind which the three saleswomen were standing. They overheard me say, "This one!!! But with sapphires on either side, not diamonds!" One of the saleswomen said, "Oh, come this way!" and showed me my ring. I couldn't believe it.

I also couldn't believe that it was $3,799.99. Wow. I could never let him pay $4,000 for a ring. But I tried it on and it was too big, but VERY beautiful. I couldn't believe how sparkly it was. I'd never seen something as beautiful as that centre diamond. When she handed it to me, I carefully took it between my fingers, and actually gasped. I let out an audible gasp. It was beyond my wildest dreams.

He kept saying, "Is that a big diamond? Is that the one? Is that big, so people will say, 'Wow, that's a big diamond!'?" I kept assuring him, saying, yes! But I also said, "It's perfect, but in yellow gold." The saleswoman said, "Oh, that's never a problem."

Then he noticed a sign that said, "40% off." He said, "Is that 40% off the price that's there, or it's that price, with the 40% already taken off." She said, "It's 40% off that price, and there's no GST or PST today." We were pretty floored by that, and I said, jokingly (but not really), "Well, I AM paying for your haircut today." :)

Anyway, we left. Without my ring. I left it sitting there. It killed me to hand it back to her, but I was somehow convinced that we would come back for it, which is silly. As we were leaving, he said, "I felt kinda pressured in there! What, did she think I would buy it and propose to you right there in the store?" I said, "I would be okay with that!" :)

So he went for his haircut, and I went to the bathroom. I attempted to stop in at one of the other jewellry stores, but they wouldn't give me the time of day, so I left. As I was walking back to his barber shop, he was coming toward me. He looked pretty good, and smelled great. Whatever they put on his hair worked for me. :)

We didn't have anywhere else to go, so we were walking toward the car, and I totally thought we would go back to get my ring, but we didn't. Think about it: $3,799 - 40% = $1,519. And no taxes! We got home around 4:00 p.m., and I kept thinking, "We've got to go back!" So when he said, "They cut my hair crooked! The back's uneven!" I said, "Oh, wow... Let's go back! We should totally go back!" But he wouldn't have it.

Last night, I was reading a magazine, and saw a reference to a ring with 61 diamonds totalling .63 carats. I said, "Hey, honey... this is cool! They need 61 diamonds to make the one we saw yesterday!" He said, "Was that really the ring?" I said, "Yeah, it was. I loved it." Then I proceeded to tell him what Julia told me, about how they can change the shape of the stones, and the metal and stuff, and that the ring you see is not the ring you get. He said, "That sounds like a load of ballyhoo to me."

Anyway, so he knows how I feel. And he's not going to get a better deal than that. I hate waiting! I think maybe he'll do it Saturday, in front of his family. I hope. I REALLY want to marry him!!!!!!!!