Friday, April 30, 2004

Check out Anna's blog. She's not Oprah.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

I have no idea what I'm doing. RM just left to take his son somewhere, and I'm sitting here wondering what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't start on the intro packages for the accountants until PM comes back with approval for the letterhead. Okay. Going to compile a "to do" list.

I'm so fried.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Okay... Here I sit, in my new home office, a.k.a. the desk in the bedroom.

I forgot to talk about my last day at the X. It was boring. At first, I didn't think I would get everything done. Then, A gave me a good anecdote. He said my attitude for the day should be, "I don't care. It's my last day." So that helped me get things done faster, oddly enough.

E, K, J and I all went out for lunch to the pier. It was nice. Said goodbye to everyone, packed up my box, and A drove me to The Boy's store and put the box in the back seat for me. Then, we went to Toys r Us, and I bought the Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture DVD game, and we went to A&G's. We had stirfry for dinner. It was actually really good. Then we played the game, and it took forever, but it was so much fun! Much better than Scene It was. Much better. But by the time we got home, it was like 2 a.m. or something.

I've already talked about Saturday.

Sunday, we were supposed to go to Wonderland, but it rained like a mo'fo'. So we went to D&B instead, and I was super pissed. We were working toward the GameCube for 8,000 coupons. Finally, we had 8,700 so we went to the Winner's Circle. The little fuck at the counter said, "Game Cubes are 36,000 coupons." I wanted to say, "Yeah? Well, stick it up your arse then!" They'd more than quadrupled the price in a matter of two weeks!

Anyway, then we went to IKEA, and then we went home. All in all, a pretty good weekend.

Monday was my first day working for D-I. I don't think I've ever felt so dumb/confused. I haven't had a new job in seven years, so I'd forgotten what it's like to learn something totally new. RM's great, but he's seriously all over the place. He's talking about one thing, and then he jumps to another, halfway through. He's impossible to follow. He asked me today if I was confused, and I gave him an emphatic "YES!", to which he said, "Yeah, that's okay. I tend to be hard to follow. You'll catch on." *sigh* I hope so.

So I think that that brings you up to speed, oh Dearest Diary. The Boy should be home in a half-hour or so, after which we're going grocery shopping, and watching American Idol and Chopper. I'm exhausted, but am looking forward to having a fridge full of food again.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Waiting for Windows XP installation to finish, writing this with pencil and paper, wonder of wonders.

Had a great birthday. Saturday (birthday eve, if you will), I went to the mall, had my hair cut, coloured and highlighted, eyebrows waxed (more about that in a minute), and bought new shoes and a bag at Aldo. God, I love that place. It's excruciatingly cool, and I feel heartwrenchingly uncool when I'm there.

Anyhoo, about the brows, the girl ("cosmetician") who waxed them was really cute. I miss being cute. She was so petite, and had a really cute pixie haircut, but her voice was really low and disarming. I admit it, I think I've had my first same-sex crush! Not in an "I want to do her" kind of way. Just in a "wow, what an attractive girl. I want to look like her" way. Happy birthday to me. I dare not tell The Boy. He'd be all over that like white on rice.

So, after the mall, I came home, and The Boy picked me up for dinner with his parents. His mom had decorated the kitchen with streamers and balloons, and I caught a glimpse of a chocolate cake before I was ushered to the dinner table. She had made a great roast beef dinner with Yorkshire puddings, potatoes and cauliflower. We chowed down and, then, it was time for gifts.

I was so overwhelmed. Everyone had gotten me something.

J: A bouquet of fresh carnations and a cute card.
A: Two votive lamps, and a cute card.
M: A watch, a floating heart necklace, Reese's, and a really sweet card that said I'm a great addition to the family, and that she'd always wanted a big sister. I cried.
K&C: Chipped in on a $20 gift certificate to The Body Shop.
The Parents: A purse, $20 cash to spend at Wonderland, and a $10 certificate for Chapters.

Then, it was The Boy's turn. Obviously, I was hoping for something that started with an R and ended with an ING, but... I was realistic.

He pulled out a huge card, and I opened it. Inside was a voucher for a trip for two on a hot air balloon! I started bawling immediately. It was the sweetest, most thoughtful gift I've ever gotten. I was absolutely speechless. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it here before, but I've wanted to go in a hot hair balloon for years. I don't even know if I'd ever mentioned it to him! I was stunned. In a good way. Everyone was cheering and clapping while I hugged him and cried. It was great. :)

So the balloon place doesn't start making trips until the end of May. It's like waiting for Christmas! I don't think I can! Anyway, maybe I'll get my ring then! That would be the most romantic thing in the world, for him to propose when we're a hundred miles up, watching the sun setting. Wow. That would kick ass.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Present # 2. A big chunk of granite with a clock in it and, on the front, "Best wishes from your friends at X."


WARNING!!!!!!!!!!! AI SPOILER IN THIS POST! Don't read on if you've taped it and are planning to watch later! And don't say I didn't warn you!

So, to go into more detail about what happened yesterday, E and J were standing around my cube chatting, and then everyone else, including J, started walking toward the front office. E asked me who the client was that D was sitting with out front, and I said I didn't know, but he looked like DD from TFP. She said, "Yeah, what was the other name for that company?" And I said, "I don't know... Niagara something, I think." And she said, "Come here for a sec." So we walked toward the front, and everyone was gathered in the boardroom. There was a huge cheesecake on the table, with a big "Happy birthday T" banner on it, and lots of candles. Very nice. I was surprised, even after doing the same thing to everyone else for the past seven years, because my birthday isn't until Sunday, and the cake is usually on the last working day before the birthday... But I guess, since D's not here today or tomorrow, they did it yesterday.

And the other reason why they wanted D to be there was because they presented me with a gold pen, engraved, left-handed. (If you don't know what a left-handed pen is, hold a regular pen in your left hand and look at the writing on it. It looks upside down, because it's typeset to look right side up when held in the right hand. A left-handed pen, in this case anyway, has the writing set the opposite way, so it's right side up for lefties. I got our company to start doing lefty pens, because we used to give out these green pens at our seminar, and they were all righty pens. I said something one day, like, "We're so much into detail, but all our pens are for righties." My boss thought I was crazy at first, until I explained it to him, and then he clued in. Hell, we claim to be into details, so let's use this to our advantage. "Look how detailed we are! We even thought of left-handed pens! Like it's a brand new thing or something. Anyway... Blah blah blah.) So D said it was the first present of two, the second to come tomorrow (today), and E is picking it up. I wonder what it is. A left-handed portfolio maybe?

It's a nice gesture, but it's kinda like the cat thing. And the pig thing. The second you tell someone that you like something, that's the only gift you ever get. In high school and college, I had a pig collection. Then, I got so sick of only getting pig presents, I got rid of most of them. Now, because we've got so many kitties, everyone buys me kitty presents. Sometimes it's okay, but most are just tacky.

In the okay category is B. This morning, I came in and she had placed a gift on my desk (she's not in tomorrow, so this is the last day we'll work together). It was a little blue velvet pouch, and inside was a pewter (I think) cat, with a ball in its hand, and a clock on its belly. It's tiny, so it's not tacky at all. Just a nice little desk ornament. I gave her the card I wrote for her (yes, I actually used the stationery I bought), and we had a bit of a cry. She's been my support system over the past few months. I couldn't have gotten through this process without her. I'm going to miss her LOTS. But we'll definitely keep in touch. I hope.

So today is my pizza party, I guess. Everyone is staying in for lunch. I hate the long, drawn out goodbye. Cake yesterday, pizza today, Pier tomorrow... What else is there to say? You can only say goodbye and thank you so many times before it just feels forced and contrived. I appreciate all the efforts, so much. I just don't feel worthy I guess.

Okay... so AI. Jennifer's gone. I seriously can't believe it. I guess people just think, "Well, I know Fantasia's safe, so I'll vote for Jasmine." Or whoever. Insane. Everyone has to vote for their FAVOURITE!!! Is it that difficult a concept to grasp? It sure seems like it.

And why was Paula wearing a sling Tuesday, and just a thumb splint Wednesday? She was wearing a sling for a broken thumb? Hm. I'd like more details on that. She seems drugged or drunk lately. And if I wore a splint every time I broke a finger or toe. Yeah, wasn't it Jennifer Aniston who was on crutches for two weeks because she broke a toe? God, I'm so bitter toward people who have never broken anything. I know, having had so many fractures has given me a crazy pain tolerance, but still. A toe? You've got nine others. Use 'em. Break both femurs at once and then we'll talk.

< /rant >

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

What the hell? Am I the only person in the world who wants a talented contestant to be the next American Idol? I'm not even an American! I seriously can't believe it. Not that I loved her, but she's a lot more deserving than some of the amateurs remaining.

Can't believe it.

The bastards. They went and surprised me with birthday cake and a gold left-handed pen. I'm going to miss the nice stuff. A lot.

I've got three days left and they haven't had me train anyone yet.

I had my first meeting with my new company yesterday. It was so refreshing. Everyone let everyone else speak. Everyone was polite, courteous, and let the professional branding guy do his presentation, uninterrupted. One of the partners even said, "You guys can handle this. I don't need to be here. I trust what you'll come up with."

I think I'm in way over my head, but I'm going to enjoy learning to swim.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

It's 7:39 a.m., and I'm at work. The only sounds I hear are my fingers tapping on my keyboard and my computer fan whirring. I hate being here by myself at night, but the morning is nice. The sun is beaming in long yellow stripes between the bars on the windows. In less than an hour, this place will be anything but peaceful. But right now, on my last Tuesday, that's exactly what I feel: Peace. I know I've made the right decision.

I went out for dinner with JH last night. We went to the usual spot: A family-style diner, frequented mostly by the kind of old people who smoke, wear trackpants and don't bathe. We show up, JH in her smart suit, me in my "slacks and jacket," and stick out like the proverbial sore thumbs. We were tucked away at a corner table, and laughed and talked and bitched. It had been far too long. December-ish, I think. We agreed that we HAVE to do it more often. More than quarterly. :)

So I didn't really get a chance to miss The Boy last night. I got home around 8, and he got home a little after 9. He got a haircut yesterday, and I don't have the heart to tell him that it's WAY too short. I love him SO much, and I know he would be crushed. He keeps going on about how it's "the best haircut I've EVER HAD!!! Sam's the MAN!!!" So I tell him that it's a great haircut. Because it is. On him. Because I love him.

Almost forgot. The reason I'm here at 7:47 a.m. is because RM dropped a line yesterday, asking if I could make it to a 5 p.m. meeting today. I work until 5. I panicked. I asked BJ if I could come in an hour early and leave an hour early, and he said it was no problem. So here I am. I'm supposed to be doing a list for BD, but... oh well. What are they gonna do? Fire me?? :)

So I'm really excited (read: nervous) about this meeting today. I'll meet the rest of the partners in the firm. The meeting is actually with the branding agency, to go over our new logo, letterhead, web site look, etc., and RM wanted me to be a part of it. What a refreshing change from the X, where it's an absolute dictatorship. I feel like a member of the D-I team already, and I haven't even started yet!

So I'll leave here at 4, in the hope that I'll get to VP's offices on time. (The partners are from VP, and the D-I meetings are held in VP's boardroom for now, until we get bigger.)

I think I wrote about the stationery set I bought on the weekend. I really like it, and keep admiring it. Now, the tough part is actually writing cards for everyone. I wonder if there's a site that has advice on "parting words," when leaving a job. Of course there is. There's a site on anything.

Speaking of "anything," I feel absolutely ashamed of our Canadian Idol. I don't claim to know the guy, but he seems like a complete ass. He said something the other day about not getting enough recognition, and, "They should treat me like I'm special, because I AM special." Pfft. Whatever.

Dear Ryan Malcolm, a.k.a. Mr. Special Canadian Idol:

You are, in fact, not special. You sound like everyone who's ever sung karaoke, or at my high school talent shows. You won because you're from a big city, being Kingston, and Canadians voted, almost certainly, for the contestant who lived nearest their own hometowns. You did NOT win because you're talented or "special." Had voting gone by talent, the Idol would have gotten the recognition you feel you deserve but, unfortunately, don't.



Have you ever wanted to write a letter like that? I have. I sometimes feel like it's my personal obligation to set someone straight. I've never actually done it though. I'm too chicken.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

So... JPL's gone. Finally. He provided comic relief, but little else. He'll make a good correspondent for Access Hollywood.

Glad Bill got the job. He was a heck of a lot more deserving than Kwame. Omarosa is never going to work again. Anyone who hires her after seeing the lengths to which she'll go is just insane. And I heard somewhere that Troy got a job with KFC (Yes, Kentucky Fried Chicken), doing marketing or something, and is making $25K per week! He makes more in three weeks than I do in two years. What a depressing thought.

I was sad to see Kathy go. I really liked her. Now that she's gone, I'm totally rooting for Rob. Even though he's conniving, everyone else there is only there because they've ridden on his coattails. Amber, especially.

Friday we were supposed to have games, but A's brother was there, so we just kinda sat around and talked. He's a pretty good storyteller. Reminded me of home... made me a little homesick.

Saturday, I napped, watched this. I thought it was really sweet and kept re-watching the two dancing scenes. Note to self: Must find "Hidden Charms" by Howlin' Wolf. After the movie, I washed dishes, changed the kitty litter, and got ready to leave. We went to his parents' for dinner, then to the drive-in, where we saw a double-bill of this and this. The Boy said Punisher is nothing like the comic, so he was pretty disappointed. I thought it was okay, because I'd never read the comic. I LOVED Kill Bill Vol. 2. Great movie. I want to see it again.

Pretty good day today. We took J to Niagara Falls as a late birthday gift. We went here for lunch, then here, and then J and I had our palms read. I was pretty impressed. It only cost $15, and the psychic was pretty bang-on. She said I'm sensitive, stubborn, worry too much, am very giving, have lower back problems, and problems with my legs, etc. She said there's a woman in my life with whom I've been having problems, and that letting her back into my life will only cause me pain. Scary, eh? Said I can't trust her. Anyway...

She also said that I'll get married and have two kids, without any major problems. She said I'll live a long life, and I won't die of sickness or an accident; I should just die of old age. She said she sees no problems with money. She sees me surrounded by numbers in my career (hell!), and she sees me furthering my education (training!).

All in all, it was pretty cool. J was impressed too. She said that there's a move in J's future. When we took her home, the first thing their dad said was, "That's it. We're moving to BC to the casino." We were floored. Pretty cool.

I don't totally believe in all that shit, but it was kinda cool.

We took J home, and then we went to Chapters. The Boy got an Xbox magazine, and I bought a stationery kit. 25 note cards with envelopes, and a bunch of little message cards. They're square with a little design on the top edge. They came in a nice box that has an old-world/travel kind of design, and a nice silver pen. I'm a sucker for stationery.

I was thinking of getting "parting gifts" for some people at work, but I think I'll just do cards. I can't believe this will be the very last week at the X. I'm SO excited to start with RM.

Oh my god, I almost forgot. We went for lunch on Friday (BD, RM and me) and, while we were sitting in the restaurant, I saw this curly-haired guy walking down the street. I thought, to myself, "Wow, that guy really looks like V. Awwww, V." Then the guy walked into the restaurant, and it WAS V!!! I became instantly self-conscious. Not because I want him or anything, but because it's nice to look your best when you run into an old flame. :) Anyway, I don't know if he recognized me, but I walked right by him when we left, and BD said that he was looking at me while we walked to the car. He was a nice enough guy. Just had way too much baggage.

So yeah. That's what's been happening these past few days. At lunch, RM said that he thinks I'll be working from home sooner than I think, like a few days in my first week even! God, I hope this works out. DMR said that, if the new job doesn't work out, I could come back. I thought that was pretty cool. I'll never do it, but it's nice to know the offer is there.

So I guess that's it for now. I'm going to go and read Hamlet for the zillionth time.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Okay, Sar, this is for you. My AI recap. Sorta. In no particular order.

First, Quentin Tarentino is the best AI guest judge EVER. He totally told it how he saw it, and wasn't all nicey-nice. He wasn't mean, like Simon, but he was honest. He was great, and it was obvious what a fan of the show he was. Remember when he was in the audience in an earlier show? Pretty cool.

John Stevens - I think he did "As Time Goes By." Great song for him, but he's still way out of his league. Of course, the little girls loved him.

JPL - He, in the world's worst song selection in history, performed "Jailhouse Rock." That's right. Another Elvis song. "Hey," he says, "If it worked once..." It was horrible, even for JPL.

Jasmine Trias - She did "When I Fall in Love." I didn't like it. I was disappointed by her, and have been every week. She was a front-runner in the beginning, and has totally run out of steam. She's out of her league now too.

So that's my bottom three.

Diana DeGarmo - Cute... She did "My Heart Will Go On," and I thought it was amazing. Sure, her voice isn't as polished as, say, LaToya's, but she has killer pipes and, I thought, she was pretty bang-on pitchwise. The judges weren't terribly impressed. Simon said something about her being too young. I'll be honest, I felt the same way as I did in season 1 when Kelly had her breakthrough performance of "Natural Woman." I didn't know she could sing like that. I'm sorry the judges didn't see it that way.

Fantasia Barrino - Yes. The sitting-on-the-stage-barefoot-because-I'm-in-so-much-pain-I-can't-stand version of "Summertime." Again, what am I missing? I thought it was a happy song, but when she's done, tears start pouring down her face, and the judges eat it up. Yeah, it was good. But it didn't kill me.

LaToya London - She did "Somewhere." I've never heard the song, and didn't really like it, but she's always great. She could sing the phone book.

Jennifer Hudson - "I Have Nothing." My favourite from her so far. I hope she ditches the attitude soon. It could kill her, even though she's got one of the best voices left.

Last but not least, George Huff - He did, "Against All Odds." Quentin said, "Dude, you made me forget that I hate that song!" I love George. He's in my top two. But, seriously, this was the wrong song for him.

So that's my $0.02. I think either John Stevens or Jasmine Trias go home tonight. Let's see what you, America, decided. Tonight. At 8. On Fox.

HA! I could TOTALLY give Seacrest a run for his money. Or the Jaded Journalist, at the very least. :)

Oh, and yesterday, I was waiting for E to drive me home, and BJ's wife, D called. She said, "Oh, just the person I was hoping to talk to! I'm so sorry to hear you're going!" She is such a beautiful person. She said that she knows I'll be blessed no matter where I go, and she said that if I ever need anything I can always call them at home. She said that, when BJ went home on Monday, he said, "I can't believe it. T's leaving. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. It's going to be impossible to replace her! She knew everything!" That felt really nice.

I'm getting nervouser and nervouser. I'm so comfortable here. BD says, "Just remember why you wanted to leave in the first place." He's right. That helps.

I haven't written about the weekend yet.

Friday morning, The Boy took me to a few drug stores, looking for this. I couldn't find it anywhere, but I found this, finally. God, I love Marcelle. It just feels nice.

Anyway, he went to work, and I spent the day doing... well, nothing really. Doing the resignation letter thing, some dishes, folding laundry... That was about it.

Saturday, I lazed around some more, and went to the dollar store near our building, to get Easter treats for everyone. I know it's silly, since everyone's all grown up, but I like doing it. And everyone likes when I do it. So I spent the day doing a basket for The Boy, and treat bags for his family. I'm a dork.

He got home and we went to LL for dinner. It was YUMMY. I love that place. Then we went to Chapters, Future Shop, The Beat Goes On, the video store, and home. We watched this movie. It's disturbing as hell. Don't watch it.

Sunday, we picked up the kids and went here. It was really fun, and we realized that we have almost enough tickets to get a Gamecube! That's crazy! So yeah, something to strive for.

We got back to The Boy's parents' house and had a delicious turkey dinner. Then, we went home and watched something or other.

So yeah. That was the weekend. Last night, The Boy worked late, so I read for an hour, watched AI, made dinner for him, watched Newlyweds, watched the taped American Choppers when he got home, read for a while longer, and went to sleep. *sigh* How exciting.

I've decided that I need a vanity table. I like this one. Since we've gotten rid of two dressers, there's more space in the bedroom, and I think this would replace that stupid old desk quite nicely.

So... this shall be deemed the post o' links. Yes, I'm materialistic to a point. I love "things," but not so much that I place the importance of having them above everything else in life. Do I?

Is there a meaning in "Summertime" that I just don't get? I didn't understand why Fantasia cried after she sang it, and said, "I felt my soooong!"

What am I not getting??

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Safety feature my ass.

Getting all filing done, so my desk will be spotless by next Friday. Came to following realization:

Stupidest thing ever: File cabinets that can have only one drawer open at a time.

I just heard the funniest thing: William Hung's new album is outselling Courtney Love's. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Monday, April 12, 2004

I did it. I submitted my letter of resignation. It was very underwhelming. I wanted tears, fighting, "We need you! Don't go! We'll give you a zillion dollars to stay!"

What I got was, "I'm disappointed, but you have to do what you have to do."

Hmph. But I have a feeling that it's not over. I hope the next two weeks aren't hell.

Friday, April 09, 2004

Well, it's happened. My start date is April 26th. I got the email from RM today. It spelled everything out, so there were no question marks at all. I was on my way out the door with The Boy when my cell rang to indicate a new email message. I checked, and sure enough: "Offer of Employment." So I have to sign and fax it to RM on Monday. I'm SO stoked.

Unfortunately, that means that I have to hand in my letter of resignation on Monday. I've done my letter, with the help of About.com. I'm terrified of what will happen. What's the worst he can do? Fire me? LOL

Thursday, April 08, 2004

RM CALLED!!!!!!!!!!! He got final approval to offer me full-time employment, so he's drawing up my contract, has to have his guys approve it, then he'll send it to me!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!

Lunch today was good but more of the same shit: We're going to have a zillion office by this time next year, and everyone gets a slice of the pie. I've been hearing that bullshit for seven years. The whole time, I was thinking, "Thank god... this could be the last time I have to listen to this." I'm terrified, but I can't wait.

Now it's going to happen!

Stolen from Zannah. Thanks and you're welcome.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"Professional Fees: Recast 2003 - 8,634. Projection Fiscal 2004 - 7,000."
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
A list of buyers for the lumber company.
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
The Swan.
4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
8:21 a.m.
5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
8:27 a.m.
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The guy in the next office. He has a noisy chair and, on the wood floor, I can hear every time he moves.
7. When did you last step outside? what were you doing?
20 minutes ago I came to work.
8. Before you came to this web site, what did you look at?
9. What are you wearing?
Two pairs of diamond earrings (one real and one fake), a black fitted t-shirt, white bra, black pants, white undies, black knee-high tights, black knee-high boots, my ring, and an elastic in my hair. Oh, and Cabaret perfume. Patchouli-ish.
10. Did you dream last night?
I don't remember.
11. When did you last laugh?
About a half-hour ago, when The Boy was driving me to work. He always tries to make me laugh on the drive because he knows how much I hate coming here.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
A picture of The Boy and me, taken at the Christmas party, two years ago.
13. Seen anything weird lately?
Last night, on "The Swan," the women looked beautiful from afar but, up close, their faces looked... I don't know... Bumpy.
14. What is the last film you saw?
Pecker. Cute movie.
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A camera for The Boy, and then I would pay off my mother so my dad didn't have to worry about $ anymore.
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I couldn't walk until I was six, and I started going to school in grade three.
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Just feed everybody already!
19. Do you like to dance?
Yes, when I'm doing the dishes.
20. George Bush: is he really doing Dick Cheney?
I have no idea. I try not to pay too much attention to him.
21a. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Cordelia Jane
21b. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Michael Allan Christopher
22. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Hell yeah. I would LOVE to live in the UK, I think. Is the UK considered "abroad?"

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

He apologized. The lucky bastard.

I feel a little better now. After I finished my post last night, I called C (my best friend, back home). I hadn't talked to her since Christmas, but we do that: We don't talk for months, but when we do talk it's like no time has passed. Anyway, we've been playing phone tag for months, she works weird shifts at the police station, so we just never managed to connect. I called her, just because I needed to hear a friendly voice. One who knows me, and lets me be me. She knows my family, and knows what I've been going through. She was there when Dad was taking pills and I had to have him hospitalized. She was there to take me to the airport and hugged me when I cried because I was scared to leave.

So, yeah, I called her. We didn't talk for long, because The Boy came home on time for a change, but it was nice to talk to her. I feel really old now though because, even though she's a year older than I am, she's still living the single life, going out to bars with her boyfriend of five months, getting tattoos and living it up. I was talking about the cats, and she smiled and said, "You're so married with kids!" We both laughed, but it kinda hurt a little. I feel like I'm losing myself a little. I was never a bar hopper, by any stretch of the imagination, but... I don't know. It's not that I don't love my life. I do. I just feel like I could be missing out.

Contributing to my present state of mind is The Boy. He can be so callous. He doesn't know how to console me when I'm hurting. I try to tell him, but he just wants to pretend everything's fine. "Why should we talk about your mother? It will just upset you." "Well, maybe it would be good for me to get everything off my chest." "Well, I just got home and don't want your mother to ruin our night." Hmph.

Last night, I jokingly said, "What would you do without me?" He said, "The question is what would you do without me? You'd be on guy #36 by now." He takes any chance he can to make me feel small. This morning, I leaned over to kiss him before we got up, and he called me "fart mouth." Yes, it's funny, but not a good way to start the day. I apologize for being in a foul mood, and he won't apologize for calling me "bitch face." Instead, he says, "Thanks for ruining our morning. Again."

I wish he could see how much like his father he is. He thinks he doesn't have to censor himself, that he can just say exactly what's on his mind, without taking consideration for my feelings. He's right, to a point, but when he says things that are just unnecessarily cruel, he thinks it's justified. He thinks he has a right to say anything he wants. When I say, "You can't talk to me that way." He says, "I can talk to you whatever way I want. What, have we been together for five minutes or something? I have to be all nice, because we're still dating?" I tell him that there are boundaries, and he doesn't understand.

And I haven't heard from RM about my start date yet. I need something nice to happen.

Thanks for the post, Sar. It made me smile. I may take you up on that chat one day.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

This one's a doozy. I got home and checked the mail and there was an Easter card (with a letter inside, of course), from my mother. "I don't know why you didn't call me back in December..." "I felt like I'd lost both my kids, and that's not a nice feeling..." "It got harder to get through a day without crying..." Join the fucking club.

I'm sitting here, bawling my eyes out. I miss her so much, but I'm so angry that I can't even stand the thought of talking to her. The hurt goes so deep that I don't know where it even started from. On one hand, I just want to call her and say, "You're my mother. If I tell you to fuck off, you should still come back for more, to show me that you'll never leave me. And until I tell you that I don't want to talk to you, you should KEEP coming back for more." The fact that she gave up on me after one stinking phone message illustrates my feeling that she was happy to be rid of us and live her responsibility-free life, finally.

I know, I could have just as easily picked up the phone. But I was angry. I was the angry one. She was the one who should have been trying to make things right. Not me. I wasn't the one who should have been begging for forgiveness or understanding. How could she take my silence as a reason to just walk away? Why can't I do the same thing?

Thanks, Sar. These things are fun.

I am not: A size 6.
I hurt: my wrist somehow. I must have slept on it wrong or something.
I love: The Boy, my brother, my dad, my friends, music, books, food...
I hate: I don't hate my mom. I hate cheaters.
I fear: Broken bones. Having had over 100, I fear it every day.
I forget: things when I'm stressed. Things become distorted in my memory, so it's as if I'm recalling something completely different from others involved.
I remember: A lot from my early childhood, when I was like 4. Actually, I remember a moment from my second birthday party, when we were all sitting around the kitchen table, and someone was bringing over my cake with blood red icing.
I imagine: independently wealthy, and able to support all my family and friends.
I hope: to be cancer-free next year.
I crave: chocolate of course!
I regret: Not being nice to my brother and little cousins when I was young.
I care: but am not motivated to change.
I always: procrastinate.
I want: a flat stomach and strong bones.
I feel alone: On Saturday, when the Boy is at work and I'm home alone all day.
I listen: but I don't hear.
I hide: my feet and my gut.
I pretend: that I don't care what others think. That I know what I'm doing. But I do... and I don't.
I drive: nothing yet. My test is on the 23rd!
I sing: not as much as I used to. I would love to start again.
I cry: More now than I ever have in my life, even when I was in and out of hospitals.
I destroy: my body with caffeine.
I dance: Conservatively. It hurts to jump, so my feet are usually pretty close to the ground.
I write: More than I ever have, and it helps a lot.
I wake: when the kitties jump on me or the bedside table.
I breathe: The Boy's cologne, and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
I play: Acoustic guitar, but need new strings.
I venture: guesses.
I find: shopping for new clothes is an emotionally scarring task.
I pray: For happiness and safety for everyone
I miss: My family and friends, performing, nice weather
I kiss: the ground The Boy walks on.
I succeed: when I really put my mind to things.
I learn: something new every day. Today it's that I should have worn socks.
I feel: Proud. I sold 4 tests, and the money from the sale will pay for our new colour laser printer.
I know: that my family will never be the same.
I joke: when I'm nervous.
I say: "whatever" when I care very deeply but don't want you to know it.
I change: my mind more than the average person changes his/her underwear.
I fail: at anything that requires willpower and self-discipline.
I dream: of being happy, healthy, and wealthy.
I believe: The best and worst are both yet to come.
I wonder: if everything is really as it seems.
I worry: that one day I'll go home and find the kitties sick or worse.
I wish: I'd ridden a bike.
I fight: when I need love.
I need: hugs and kisses and reassurance on a regular basis.
I am: excited to start a new job, but scared to leave the old one.
I: love my boyfriend and our life together, but want to move to a bigger apartment. And get married. And have babies. And live happily ever after.
Current music: 80's lunch.

I can't wait to hand in my resignation. I'm SO excited. I'm scared, but excited. We're having our big Shakespeare lunch on Thursday, and DMR isn't in until then. It would be nice to be able to announce it there.

I finally have a light at the end of the tunnel. It's been so long since I had something to which I could look forward.

I made a sale yesterday. Sort of. The people in the Soo who bought three tests back in February called yesterday to order four more. That's $949.99 times 4, minus the 10% discount I gave them, plus GST. WOOHOO! I kick arse.

Glad to see that people are "pickin' up the noiz I'm puttin' down," as they say.

Monday, April 05, 2004

So I get to A's house, and she says she's going to Wendy's to get M some dinner. I asked her to pick up something for me too, and pulled out my wallet. She said that, if I didn't let her pay for it, she wouldn't let me babysit M again. :) So that was cool.

The part that wasn't cool was when I asked when she expected to be home. She said, "Well, the meeting starts at 9, so hopefully by 10." I was not happy. A specifically said 9, and the meeting didn't even start til 9. I think he'll get a talking to tomorrow. I didn't get home until 10:30, and The Boy had to get his own dinner, and watch Average Joe by himself.

Speaking of Average Joe, I can't believe Adam picked Samantha. I thought the dog thing was enough of a turn-off. I felt so bad for his family. His mom was so right when she said that Adam picking Samantha over Rachel was like Melana picking Jason over Adam. Totally.

I'm tired. I need sleep. I need to lose weight.

Since we won't eat dinner together tonight, I messaged him and asked if he wanted to have lunch with me instead! A stroke of genius on my part, if I may say so myself. So we went to the beach and had greasy burgers and fries, and played old songs on the jukebox. ("Respect," "You Send Me," "Dream Lover," and "Twilight Time." :) ) Then, he got me a bird and a bear from the claw machine. All in all, a really nice lunch.

Then, when I got back to the office, A asked if I could babysit M from 6-9. I said sure. It will make time pass. I think I'll stop home first, change into my jeans, and just chill with her, watching Dora and stuff. :) Kids are fun.

Games night was cancelled on Friday night, and my income tax refund had been deposited into my account, so I bought us Chinese food to celebrate.

What were you celebrating, you ask? MY NEW JOB!!!! Yes, finally, RM came through. He called Friday evening to ask if I would accept $30K, plus $5 per user. I said yes! I did forget to ask about vacation and sick pay, but I'm sure they'll be reasonable. I'm getting 6% vacation and no sick pay here. I'm expecting 4% and no sick pay from RM. We'll see.

He sent me the job description, and I couldn't believe how many responsibilities I would have. I hope I can handle this. I've been in that "zone" for so long, I hope I can switch gears quickly. Maybe I'll take a week off between leaving here and starting with RM. That would be nice. Especially since I'll be getting almost $600 extra from my vacation pay-out.

So I'm really excited about that. He'll contact me again this week to let me know what my start date is. A day that started horribly ended beautifully. But I'm terrified of resigning.

Saturday, I took M to the vet about his eyes. I knew it was just an infection, like he always gets, but we were out of fucithalmic acid, and they wouldn't give me more without bringing him over. It was $53 for the vet to say, "Yup. It's an eye infection. I'll just give you the same stuff since it worked so well last time." She gave me two tubes of it though, so I won't have to take him back for a while longer. Thank goodness. She said he's got stage 1 tartar though, and gave me a huge bag of kitty treats. I guess you can give it to them as their entire diet, or just four or five pieces in the morning as a treat. So we actually just mixed it in with their regular food. Kind of a combination of the two options. She didn't charge me for the food, but I'm sure it's super expensive.

I got home and spent most of the rest of the day cleaning. I folded all the laundry and put it away in the new dresser, which is still in the living room. Then, I proceeded to empty the old dressers, and clear a path to them, because I thought for sure that his parents would be picking up the old furniture after dinner that night.

I put most of the stuff on the bed, determined to just get it cleared out, so I could have a half-hour to an hour to get ready before The Boy would get home from work.

We went to his parents' for a nice roast beef dinner, and then drove A to a friend's, drove K home, and then we were going to go to Chapters, but we weren't feeling the greatest by that point, so we just decided to stop at Starbucks for my coffee, then Future Shop so he could look for his game, and then go home. His parents decided to do the furniture moving next week.

Sunday, we woke up, switched all the clocks, and set out for Burlington. The plan was: Lunch, Hellboy, mall, Ikea. We had lunch at William's. It was really nice, but I didn't get my latte until I had already finished eating. That sucked. So I basically had three sips out of a $3 latte. What a waste of good latte. Went to the movie. Hellboy sucked, in my opinion. I was just bored the whole time. The Boy loved it. After the movie, we went to Mapleview, which was beautiful. I have a new favourite mall. So clean, so big... Very nice.

We skipped Ikea, just because it didn't make sense to buy even more furniture until his parents pick up the stuff we're getting rid of. As it is, there is way too much stuff in the apartment, and there's no room to assemble new stuff, even if we wanted to. So, hopefully, we'll do the moving next weekend, and do IKEA afterward. That would be nice.

Last night we watched "Pecker" with Edward Furlong and Christina Ricci. Cute movie. Not one of my favourites, but cute. Love the bug-eyed little sister.

So that's the weekend, pretty much. Tonight is The Boy's first 2-9 shift. It's going to suck, having to eat dinner alone. Oh well, I'm sure we'll get used to it.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Okay, so we park at City Hall, and he tells me to stay in the car while he puts money in the ticket machine thingy (It's raining). So I'm in the car waiting for him, and he's taking forever! I can't see him, because other cars are blocking my view, so I have no idea if he's been jumped or what, and am too chicken to get out and check. Finally, he comes back and said he broke the machine, but got a ticket anyway, so we ended up getting free parking. And we thought that only happened in Monopoly.

Then, we walk to McD's and have a quick dinner, and he calls A&G to get their ETA. They say that they're just waiting for J&L to show up, and they're notorious for being late, but they should be there any minute. It's about 7:10 at this point. So we figure we'll start walking to the Convention Centre.

We get there around 7:20, and are waiting for them in the lobby. A&G have our tickets, so we can't even go in and sit down. By the time they arrived, it was 7:45 and my back and legs were killing me.

Rollins was absolutely amazing. I laughed, I was grossed out, and I almost cried. At the end, he said, "Millions... not hundreds... not thousands... Millions of people feel the same way your country does about the war, and we're very concerned about our relationship with you." He talked about Bush, Sheryl Crow, William Shatner, Ben Stiller, Quentin Tarrantino... I was absolutely captivated. He spoke for three hours straight without even pausing for a drink of water. He's an incredibly intelligent guy, and he's fucking hot too! :)

So, about this morning, I almost don't even want to talk about it. I feel much better now. I kinda woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, because I had a dream last night that we lived with LU, and The Boy asked to have her panties, and I got jealous that he wanted her panties and not mine.

Then, when he was driving me to work, trying to cheer me up, he said we could go back to Ikea on the weekend to get the things we had to leave behind last time. I mentioned the cute little makeup table again, and that we could get rid of the desk in the bedroom, and he got all defensive, saying that I wanted to get rid of all his stuff, and keep all my own stuff. I couldn't believe he was still at the "my stuff vs. his stuff" phase. We've been living together for almost three years! You would think that it would all be "our stuff" by now. But he got angry because I wanted to keep "my" computer desk, and get rid of "his." I tried to explain my reasoning (he hasn't used the desk in like six months, so it's just taking up space), but he wouldn't listen. He said, "Well, when we buy a house, maybe we'll want an extra desk." I said, "Well, when we buy a house, in five years or more, then we can buy another desk, but right now it's just taking up valuable space in our little apartment!"

So we drove the rest of the way in silence, and went through the motions of our usual kiss goodbye. I got to work and was immediately overcome by panic. I just felt that I needed everything to be okay, right then. I messaged his cell, telling him I was sorry for getting the day off to such a bad start. He didn't message me back right away, so I figured he was still angry. I called him about a half-hour later, and proceeded to cry on the phone. He asked what he could do to cheer me up, and said, "I know what will cheer you up. A chocolate munk-ee-ah-dah." He knows how to say it properly, but did this to make me laugh, which I did. I said, "No, silly... A caramel macchiato!" So he brought me one on his way to work, and gave me the best hugs ever. I don't know why he's so nice to me, after I was such a bitch. He's so understanding of my constant mood swings. I don't know how he does it, but I'm so glad that he does.

Okay, so let's start with last night. I stayed late, listened to music on my laptop and chatted with LV (No, not Louis Vuitton). Then, I moved to the front of the office after everyone left, because the back office creeps me out when I'm here alone.

I did my makeup, using only the tiny round mirror on my compact, having brought everything from my makeup table (a.k.a. The Boy's desk), including the kitchen sink, but excluding my makeup mirror.

The Boy picked me up, I locked up the office and turned on the alarm, and we set off for McD's for a quick dinner before the show. Of course, he's talking the whole time (to me? to himself? who knows?), about where to park. I suggest several places but, of course, I'm stoopid, so I have no clue what I'm talking about. I'm to speak when spoken to, apparently? He's not being snotty or snide or anything, he's just not taking any of my suggestions, or even considering them, so I get pissy. I'm trying not to, but I feel the level of pissyness rising. Finally, we park at the City Hall ... dammit... back later.

I've lost it. I'm sitting at work, and I called The Boy to apologize for being such a bitch this morning (a true recap later), and I just started crying. Again with the crying. I feel so unstable. I'm on the verge of tears again right now, and have been all morning. I hate myself for it, but I miss my mom. I HATE myself for it.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

I'm going to be 27 soon, and for the past two days I've forgotten how to rinse all the conditioner out of my hair in the shower. I was running my hands through my hair in a, "God, I'm bored... need to stretch" kind of way, and found a tiny clump of conditioner on the back of my head.

At least, I hope it was conditioner. I feel so dirty.

These are cute.

I don't know about this format... It's a little bland. We'll see how long it takes for me to get sick of it.

For you who tune in regularly, let me know what you think. I'm clueless, and would LOVE suggestions.

I took a break from writing yesterday to do a few dishes, and then The Boy came home, so I closed down pretty quickly.

He made a deliciously bad dinner: Chicken finger burgers and Tater Tots. Then we settled in for the tv. We're so spontaneous. Friends at 7:30, 70's at 8, AI at 8:30, Newlyweds at 9, then the Adam Returns that we taped earlier this week. Then I read until I fell asleep.

AI. Where do I begin? I don't know what the heck happened. I really don't think that those were the three people with the fewest votes. I would really like to see a change in the voting, but it wouldn't really be fair at this point, would it? I think the judges should get 50% of the vote but, looking back, what would that do? After all, Paula did pick Leah for her wildcard and, last year, Simon picked Carmen! Anyway, something's got to change. I wish contestants would just start quitting in protest. I'm sure they're contractually obligated to stay, but still. It would give the producers something to think about. But, then again, they would eat it up because it would make even more teenyboppers, and pathetic twenty-somethings like me, tune in.

So I brought my laptop to work today (can't do personal stuff on work computer. Ha!), and a pair of jeans, my makeup bag, etc. The Boy is picking me up here after he finishes work; so I'll have plenty of time to change, paint my face, etc., before we have to go to HP. I think, because of time constraints, we're just going to grab a quick burger at McD's before the show, and not bother going home beforehand; hence, the need to bring everything to work.

Despite the fact that I love my Marcelle stuff, I've got three monster zits: One in the middle of my forehead, one above my top lip and one below my bottom lip. Hooray for concealer.

I really want to take advantage of the boss-less day and make a few changes to the template. Let's see what I come up with, shall we? Damn, I really need a host so I can start uploading graphics and pictures.